Frankenstein’s Subway

Last week, the Bay Area Rapid Transit system workers went on strike, shutting down the trains, crippling the area’s commuters, and making me slightly annoyed when I was trying to go to a baseball game. Besides the obvious – wishing the BART was up and running again – the strike got me thinking of how I would improve on this particular subway, from things as basic as service hours to as detailed as car interior decor. While there are a multitude of metro rail systems both domestically and abroad (Wikipedia is telling me 188 at the current moment, to be precise), not a single one of them is superior to the others in all criteria across the board. They all have their strengths and drawbacks – some more in the ‘drawbacks’ column than others – with a variety of environmental and infrastructural factors contributing to their diverse traits. So like Dr. Frankenstein before me, I decided to create an ‘ideal subway’ made up of parts from a series of different systems.

There are obviously some drawbacks to this list (other than that it is for primarily for entertainment purposes). For one, it’s limited to systems in which I’ve traveled, as I didn’t feel making educated guesses or statements about trains I’ve never used would make much sense. As a result, some of the rails that are consistently rated as amongst the best in the world (Hong Kong, Moscow, Paris, Tokyo, etc.) are not represented. The title of this article is also a bit of a misnomer; while everything I included in here is related to train travel, many superlatives include lines with overground tracks and light rails incorporated into the transit system. Finally, as I’m sure you’re aware, certain systems are just flat-out better than others. I tried my best to diversify this list as much as possible, but couldn’t pin down a unique, superior trait in many of the other rail lines I’ve encountered (many apologies to Seattle, Phoenix, Philadelphia, Boston, Toronto, and friends).

On that note, however, let’s get into it. As always, this isn’t a ‘best of’; think of it more as a personal subway playlist.

Station Density – Subway, New York City

This seemed like a reasonable place to start. Sure, there are some further-out neighborhoods that may require a bus transfer, but when it comes to sheer volume of subway stops, New York City is unmatched. In fact, it has over 70 stops more than its closest global competitor (Seoul), and an additional 300 (!) stations when compared to second place in the United States (Chicago). You’ll get to where you need to go in New York.

Station Decor – Metro, Washington, DC

The first time I descended the escalators into an underground Metro stop, I felt as though I had emerged in a space station. The interior of these stops is a large, vaulted half-sphere, both futuristic-looking and cavernous. In most systems, I am well aware that I am underground, feeling cramped and occasionally wishing I had a canary to warn of any noxious gases emerging from the tunnels. In DC, there’s room to breathe, even when the air aboveground may feel otherwise.

Train Cars – Underground, London, Metro Line, S8 stock

Yes, this is very specific. No, I am not a locomotive enthusiast; it took some serious Googling to actually figure out what type of train I had boarded the last time I was hanging out across the pond. But these trains are seriously awesome. Relatively new to the system, they are modern-looking and clean (for now), featuring digital screens indicating the current stop as well as my favorite feature, the ‘through-gangway’. While technically multiple cars, the train is completely connected throughout. In other words, you can walk from the engineer’s room in the first car to the back of the caboose without encountering a single door or obstructed view the entire time. Super cool.

Suburban Access – BART, San Francisco

In many cities, the local subway will connect to large hubs that have access to commuter and long-distance rails – Penn Station in New York, for example. The BART certainly connects with Caltrain and other alternative means of transport, but its tracks also stretch more than 40 miles away from the downtown area of the system. One ticket, no transfers; next stop, the ‘burbs.

Signage – Subway, NYC

You’d think this would be an easy thing to nail down, but so many lines feel obligated to name themselves after their final destinations on each end. Dude, I just moved here. I have no idea if I’m heading towards Millbrae or Bay Point, but with a few drinks in me and the train doors about to close, I’m probably going to screw it up. New York makes this simple – uptown, downtown, and whatever borough one is heading into. Tell me the direction I’m going, not the stop I’ll end up at when I fall asleep.

Escalators – Underground, London

This seems like sort of an odd detail to look at, but the escalators moving people up and down the different levels of the tube are remarkably fast. You’ll still encounter, on occasion, the dreadful people who stand shoulder-to-shoulder, motionless, blocking anyone from using their own two legs to ascend a few extra steps, but the silver lining in this scenario is that the escalator moves at a rapid enough pace to overcome any lazy human traffic.

Airport Access – Metro, DC

One could argue that other transit systems have more train lines that go to multiple airports; while this is true, I feel a bit of explanation is in order. In this particular category, I was focusing on the ease of actually getting into the airport. At the Reagan International stop, there are no Airtrains or shuttles or any secondary means of connection. You swipe your card out of the station and you are IN THE AIRPORT. If you already have your flight ticket, you literally walk off the train and straight to security. That’s convenience.

Fee Schedule – MAX, Portland

In a very sad transition last fall, the MAX lines decided, for financial reasons, to relinquish their ‘free zone’, an area of downtown that could be boarded and disembarked without paying any fare whatsoever. On the plus side, the city aborted zoning completely, and $2.50 can get you anywhere on the line for a flat rate. Monthly unlimited passes are reasonably priced as well. An even greater bonus comes with the fact that for two hours after acquiring an initial single-ride ticket, you can reuse it as often as you feel fit. Great for running errands or meeting up with friends prior to heading out for the night.

Steal-ability – Metro, Athens

We’ve all seen the teenager jump the gate on the way out of a station, or the couple squeeze themselves through the unmanned turnstile on the same fare. I don’t condone this action, but I do understand that some people find it preferable – maybe even necessary – to bypass any fees they encounter on their way to their destination. Enter Athens, whose concourse levels have the makings of gates, but nothing to actually prevent anyone from entering without having paid first. There are rumors of frequent ticket checks and hefty fines, but it appears this is more of a smoke screen than an actual consistent enforcement. You know, assuming the train is actually running.

Hours of Operation – Subway, NYC

I believe the term the kids once used is, “Doy!” The train runs 24/7. You can get on it at any time. There are other subways with similar hours at home and abroad – for example, the Copenhagen Metro runs ‘round the clock in a driverless system – but New York is the only one I’ve ridden that supports those nights that last a bit longer than planned. And as impressive as my wife looks running down the sidewalk in heels to catch the last train of the night, I’m sure she would prefer to leave the bar in a more leisurely fashion.

Slogan – Underground, London

Those “Keep Calm and ____” memes and clothing sure are popular right now, huh? Just as omnipresent on the tee-shirts of our nation’s frat boys is the classic logo of the London Underground and its “Mind The Gap” slogan. Yes, it is definitely a product of the fact that the trains of the system are often at a different height or slightly hazardous distance from the actual platform, but still, it’s simple, trendy, and universally recognized. I’m definitely comfortable having it as the catchphrase for our imaginary transit line.

Mind the gap, bro.

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