It seems this Ben Affleck casting caused quite a stir. As the news was dropped and the debris laid rest, fans were up in arms over their fallen hero, Christian Bale. The thing is the Batman recasting would’ve had to happen eventually.  Just as all comic book movie stars will have to be recast eventually.  So to avoid another commotion we’re here to help. We want to help plan ahead for these comic franchise, both new and old, released and unreleased.  So this is our 3 part series to give Hollywood a blueprint to deal with the future of their franchises.  We will cast comic book characters based on 3 categories; 1) “Please don’t fuck this up”, where we’ll cast comic book movies not yet made, but we think should be; 2) “You already fucked up but we’ll see if we can save it”, where we’ll recast the movies Hollywood ruined in a bad way, i.e. Green Lantern; and lastly 3) “That’s a tough act to follow”, where we’ll recast the best cast characters in an attempt to prepare the franchises when their star actors move on.  

Part III

This is the part we try to recast some roles that have some really tough shoes to fill. Lets hope we succeed in continuing these already great franchises.

Wolverine (Hugh Jackman is Wolverine and Wolverine is Hugh Jackman, but one day he will have to step down.  I’ll hate it, but we need a plan)

Nichole – Aidan Turner, if we’re going younger. He has the look and he seems to be into fantasy/sci-fi stuff as his credits include The Hobbit trilogy and Being Human. He has that lightness (i.e. Kili) that can fulfill the comedic side of Wolverine.

Michael - Let me begin this by saying that despite his height and good looks, Hugh Jackman did a hell of a job as Wolverine. Hugh Jackman is a dope actor man. For serious. I honestly think that he could have had a crack at any major heroes, if he didn’t play Wolvie. He could have been Batman. He could have been Superman. Hell He could have even been Bruce Banner, and lest I forget James Fucking Bond. These are all pretty good looking guys, and maybe with the exception of Bruce Banner, they all exceed 6’0”.

Having said all that, I want a new Wolverine to be closer to his characterization in the 1970/1980s. Back in the days where he was kind of the opposite of the heroic ideal. I want someone who isn’t dashing with a kind of John McClane’esque flair. Someone who is short, hairy, and maybe even losing his hair. The thing that strikes me about Wolverine is that although he is immortal, he’s not that sexy, airbrushed, Twilight-y, Forever 21 version of immortal.The dude is 40. Maybe perpetually his late 40s. In a perfect world, I’d like for them to cast a younger actor, but then age him up a little with make up or CGI even. I want my perfect Wolverine, who when you see him, you know he’s a mutant. There’s one artist that gave him really thick forearms like Popeye (Wolverine & Havok: Meltdown), and that’s kind of what I want. I want a Wolverine that is an animal. Not an obvious action hero. Not James Bond. I want him to be short. And I want him to not always be the most likeable guy. I mean a guy who looks 40, who is actually much older hitting on some young post-teenage red head? And then banging her whilst her innocent childhood sweetheart boyfriend broods through his 20s? Wolverine is a dick, but we should learn to like him.

Having said all of this, I would like to see Aaron Paul don the claws. Give him the hair, the chops, and a few months in the gym, but acting wise he has the height, and I think he has the range. Read Origin and just picture Aaron Paul as a younger Wolverine. Killing the love of his life. Going through Hell. Joining Weapon X. Enduring so much pain, and never dying. This is the Wolverine I want to see. I think that a new actor as Wolverine should really be transformed into the character, straight from the page, but they should also add more of what we don’t always get to see. Wolverine is a living wound. Sure i could go with an obvious guy like Joe Manganiello or Josh Brolin, but I can’t think of many actors already in their 40/50s that have the time to grow into this part. I think Aaron Paul could really sit into something like this and really convince us that he is this man. Quite frankly, if I could have my way, Harvey Keitel would have been my DREAM version of Wolverine, but time passes… I think that a new Wolverine should have the depth and grit of a movie like  Taxi Driver…with a little bit of Platoon spliced in.

Cargile -  I might still be on a Breaking Bad bender, and it may never leave me, but Aaron Paul does sound like a great choice.  One, he’s young enough to carry this franchise for a while; and two, he has the proper emotional spectrum for Wolverine. He would need to hit the gym and put on a good amount of muscle, but with how dramatically good Need For Speed looks, which is has no business looking that good, I’m convinced he’s perfect for this.  Plus he plays a tortured soul really well.

Iron Man (RDJ took Iron Man from a tier 2 super hero and made him a tier 1 guy.  That can’t be given enough credit.  Not sure anyone can Tony Stark like he can)

Nichole – I think this is the hardest of the entire list because RDJ has made his Tony Stark iconic. It’s a stretch to think of an actor who can embody the humor, confidence, toughness, sarcasm, and thoughtfulness that go with this role. (Also, RDJ pretty much acts likes Tony in real life.) I keep thinking of possible actors, but there always seems to be one or two pieces missing. For example, Ben Barnes has the look. He can be suave and charming, maybe even a tad menacing. But can he do humor? He’s done action in the Narnia films…but can he do Iron Man-grade action? What about Tyler Hoechlin? I’ve never actually seen him in anything, but I know he was (supposedly) in the running for Superman and Batman.

Michael – Leonardo Dicaprio. I don’t really think an explanation is needed. But if you MUST pry me open, I think that Leonardo could be our chance to see a Demon In A Bottle interpretation of Tony Stark. I think that what RDJ has done has set a wave in motion that really forced us to examine the inner life of our heroes. Who are they really? Flaws and all? Watch The Aviator because that movie pretty much is the story of Iron Man. Howard Hughes IS Tony Stark.

Cargile - Alright so I think there’s no way you can Leo for more than 2 films.  I think you let him do the whole Demon in a Bottle storyline, but you put it off in some future, so that the Avengers continuum is not screwed up.  You then employ one of these younger guys to take the franchise back up at the present time line. I like Tyler Hoechlin.  So that’s the final choice.

Blade (I mean I think we should all thank Wesley Snipes for revitalizing the new era of comic book movies.  And he wasn’t the perfect comic version of Blade, but that blade was lame. He took a tier 4 hero and made him easily a tier 1 hero)

Nichole – We need some Chalky White up in here! And by that, I mean Michael K. Williams. Is he too in-your-face for this role? Maybe that’s a good thing. I can also see Chiwetel Ejiofor, although he might be too “high-brow” for the role.

Michael - I’d be interested in seeing a brand new interpretation of Blade. Maybe even something closer to an origin story about Blade. In the comics he was born in London in 1929, So maybe it might be a little cool to give Blade the hypothetical MCU Marvel Knights treatment, in the sense that his story can be removed from the present day happenings of the MCU Universe. I think it might be cool to connect him to a branch of SHIELD. You could call it “Howling Commandos” and combine the horror/mystery side of the MCU with the espionage part. This would be the “Journey Into Mystery”/Doctor Strange/Giant B Movie Monster part of the MCU. I think that it would be a cool move to “high brow” Blade up a bit to distinguish him from other harder-edged black heroes in the MCU. Treat him more as a samurai-type or cursed wanderer type. Blade would be a cool hero to see fight Nazi-Vampires, and Werewolves with weapons of mass destruction… it could be very fun and far-fetched. I’m just speculating here.

And I want him to be English-y since he was born there. Chiwetel Ejiofor for the win. I’m sorry if this show is basically Doctor Who with vampires, but I’m not sorry. I desperately need to get into fan-fiction.

Cargile - Blade has a special place in my heart.  I’m usually a sucker for comic book movies sticking to the source material but there’s no doubt in my mind the cinematic version of Blade is cool as shit. The only bad thing is, that since it was an original take, it essentially is Wesley Snipes. For those who don’t know Wesley took this role more seriously than he probably should’ve.  Rumors of him holding fighting tournaments in warehouses as a way to train lead me to believe he might’ve thought he actually was Blade. It got to the point that he legit hated Ryan Reynolds in the third one because he thought he wasn’t taking it serious enough.  Still, Blade 1 and 2 are amazing.  But I think if it’s not Wesley Snipes you’re going to need a new route to go. Had he not signed on to do Spider-man I would’ve said Jaime Foxx, but since he’s not available, I like the sound of Michael K. Williams.  I think his more intimidating demeanor might be the perfect fit.

Jean Grey (Look Fox fucked up, but the casting was great.  She fit the mold quite nicely and at some point Fox is going to want to make amends to this character, but who shall they employ)

Nichole – Lily Cole!! My other choice would be Karen Gillan, but since she’s going to be in GotG, that wouldn’t really work. Lily Cole is a model who has been acting more and more in recent years. She’s a 5’10” redhead with this ethereal look that would be perfect. Phoenix is probably my favorite character in the entire Marvel universe, so my very biased opinion is that she needs her own movie. Also, the Phoenix force is one of the most powerful entities in the entire canon! I think that deserves a movie! And I think that movie should be an adaptation of the Dark Phoenix Saga!

Michael - I second Karen Gillian. Talk about a missed opportunity. I’d like to see a reboot of the X-Men franchise from the perspective of Jean Grey since she is basically, kind of the center of the story when you really think about it. I’d like to see something a little bit closer in characterization to her Ultimate Universe counterpart because she was bubbly and fun. I think that Jean Grey is way too much of a plot device in the mainstream U. I feel like my dream for Jean Grey is for her to be the anti-Bella Swan. If they were to go in one direction and put her in high school, I’d like to see someone like Brie Larson take one the role. I think it would be wise to kind of make her like an older sister-type of character. Put her in grad-school and put her days of working in the field behind her. I see her as an academic (like Prof X) and an example of what mutants can be in the mainstream world. I would love to see Taylor Schilling take on this kind of a role. Someone who is afraid of their power, and done being a hero. I mean she was known as Marvel Girl for Christ’s sake. I feel that she’d be this uber waspy girl who sort of has the same kind of regret that a former child star would have. Also I wanna see Dagny Taggart make out with Jesse Pinkman. Just sayin.

Cargile - My job here is to play pseudo arbitrator so I’m not going to rock the boat.  Karen Gillian wins on principle but since we’re worried about crossing comic book lines I’ll throw my vote for Rose Leslie, from Game of Thrones.  She can obviously be tough and yet compassionate.  If we’re starting with a young Jean Grey this is who I want.

The Joker (Probably the hardest recast ever.  This will not go over easy.  But it has to be done eventually. It was hands down the best comic book performance ever.  No Hyperbole)

Nichole - Would anyone even touch this role again given the unique circumstances of the last Joker? I cheated and have several possibilities, which is inevitable in this category. If we’re going for campy-comic-booky, cosplayer “Harley’s Joker” has the perfect look and has the act down. But, this is the film world, and that’s probably not going to happen for him (even though he has attracted ample internet fame.) That being said, what about Gaspard Ulliel? He has that angular face and the ability to play someone off the hinges (i.e. Hannibal Rising) He’s usually cast in male lead/male heart throb roles, so it would be interesting to see him as the Joker. Gael Garcia Bernal keeps coming to mind too; I don’t quite know why. Both these actors are also not American…so maybe I subconsciously think the Joker can’t be played by another American…? Also, Aiden Gillan – we know he can play sly and cunning through his role as Littlefinger in GoT – I also suspect he can play crazy quite well.

Michael - Sam Rockwell. Although I have to say that Aiden Gillan is a bomb-ass choice. I just can’t shake wanting to see his take on Harvey Dent or Commissioner Gordon.

So yeah, Sam Rockwell is a “great fucking actor.” I’d be interested in seeing him explore the origins of the Joker. Specifically his :Killing Joke” origins. Yes. The Joker a homicidal maniac, and we’ve seen that done. I think now what I’d like to see more of is the side of him that we can relate to. Lest we forget, the Joker was created by Batman in a sense. They are almost brothers. They define each other. I’d be interested to see Sam Rockwell find the happy medium between the showman that Nicholson was, and the cerebral terrorist that Ledger was. And maybe, just maybe, it might be cool to give him a little “puddin’” to banter with.

Cargile – Man both these choices are great.  I wouldn’t be mad at either choice.  I almost think the Joker is something that should be played by different people all the time.  It adds to the psychosis of the character.  If you can make them as unrecognizable as Heath was in the Dark Knight I don’t see why you can have a different actor take on the role as is needed. But I’ve always thought of the Joker’s next phase being more pessimistic.  That sounds weird cause you’re probably thinking he was already pretty pessimistic.  But think about it.  He was rather hopeful he could change the ideology of the Batman.  He was convinced he could get him to kill him.  He thought he had the human psyche figured out. But now he’s less sure of himself, and therefore more brooding and angry. I present to you Sam Witwer.  On the show Being Human alone he’s played a ton of different characters just to fit the historical mold of his character’s storyline.  He’s done a ton of video game voice acting so we know his voice is compelling, which is what you need when it comes to wearing makeup for a whole movie.  And he’s got pretty awesome facial structure for the part. I think if you want someone to be the Joker, much like RDJ is Tony Stark, or Hugh Jackman is Wolverine, this guy can BE the Joker.

BONUS RECAST- Gambit (So Gambit isn’t really established and the shoes that were put in place were not that great, but I did recast him on my own in a cavalier fashion in part II so we needed to put this up for everyone on the committee.)

Nichole - I love Gambit! When I was younger and watching the 90s animated series, I loved him and Rogue together – so she would have to be in this movie. Garrett Hedlund. He has the face, the tone, that ease about him that is so Gambit. I am also suggesting David Oakes, who is often cast in “baddie” roles. I don’t want to type cast him though, I just think he has the look and I know he can play arrogant confidence really well. I also want to note that I didn’t think Taylor Kitsch was that bad – he was pretty good for Gambit, actually, he was just way under-used.

Michael – I wish to god that Kitsch had a real moment to shine as Gambit. Honestly, if you’re smart, you’d know that his performance as Riggins on FNL was probably the best version of Gambit that I’ve ever seen. But shit happens.

All that said. Channing Tatum wants to play Gambit. LET HIM DO IT.

Cargile – When I brashly picked Colin Farrell for Gambit I was unaware that Channing Tatum wanted the role.  I can’t say no to that man.  I do think a younger McConaughey would’ve owned this, but alas his time passed for this role.  So while I would like to give Farrell another shot at the comic book world I’m going with Channing.

That does it for this casting challenge.  However we’ve received such a good response form this that we’re thinking of what portion of Hollywood we should save next.  Maybe action franchises where we pick the next Bond, Bourne, and Mission Impossible stars.  Who knows.  Either way we’ll be back. 

About Matt Cargile

Matt Cargile is the Editor in Chief of Rookerville.com. He also works in finance, but refuses to read any news printed on pink paper. He is a child at heart with adult means. His childhood dream was to either become a magician or the leader of the next great empire and somehow both these things make complete sense. He's contradictory in nature, but is always consistent.

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About Michael Stevens

Michael is a writer for Rookerville and an aspiring writer at the beginning of his first significant meltdown: the Quarter-Life Crisis. He likes to think of himself as 'the alien of the group' or 'the android attempting to be human.' He is interested in many things so it would be easier to describe all the things he is not interested in: Sports. Read his stuff if you want to hear everything but sports. He is currently at large.

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The post The Great Casting Challenge: Part III appeared first on Rookerville.

It seems this Ben Affleck casting caused quite a stir. As the news was dropped and the debris laid rest, fans were up in arms over their fallen hero, Christian Bale. The thing is the Batman recasting would’ve had to happen eventually.  Just as all comic book movie stars will have to be recast eventually.  So to avoid another commotion we’re here to help. We want to help plan ahead for these comic franchise, both new and old, released and unreleased.  So this is our 3 part series to give Hollywood a blueprint to deal with the future of their franchises.  We will cast comic book characters based on 3 categories; 1) “Please don’t fuck this up”, where we’ll cast comic book movies not yet made, but we think should be; 2) “You already fucked up but we’ll see if we can save it”, where we’ll recast the movies Hollywood ruined in a bad way, i.e. Green Lantern; and lastly 3) “That’s a tough act to follow”, where we’ll recast the best cast characters in an attempt to prepare the franchises when their star actors move on.  

Part II

This is the part we break down who has been treated very poorly.  We try to rectify the transgressions of hollywood. And we try to resuscitate some possibly dead franchises.

Daredevil (I’ll give them the excuse that this was before Hollywood had learned how to handle a comic book franchise):

Michael – DISCLAIMER (Daredevil is a character close to my heart.) So when I was 12 and impressionable, I loved this movie. I watched the DVD and special features hundreds of times. As I got older, I began to realize that this Daredevil was missing a lot. I watched it recently and saw folly not in the casting, but with the actual production of the film. The script, style, and structure of the story had far too much in common with the previous Spider-Man movie. (Not to mention they totally left out Karen Page and Stick…VERY important pieces to the DD pie.) Yes, they are similar characters, but not enough was done to really illustrate Daredevil as a character cut from a totally different cloth. Tonally, they are different stories. Daredevil is a far rougher character, with more tragedy and if you were to ask me, he is really defined by the grim n’ gritty era of the late 1970s – 1980s. There were no wisecracks. Spider-Man is cut from the same cloth of hope that Superman is cut from. Idealistically, I consider Spider-Man a left over from the 1950s “Curt Swanian” Silver Age. In the way that I consider Spider-Man a response to Superman, I consider Daredevil a response to Spider-Man. He came out as a byproduct of the Silver Age, but really found his voice with Frank Miller in the anti hero 1980s…

So. In a perfect world, you can all bet that I would love to see a Daredevil TV series. I loooooove TV series’. They are a great way to tell a story, and the medium has gotten better at creating contained stories. So lets play with what we know: Marvel has the rights. The last Daredevil project with David Slade was going to take place in 1973. Now lets play with franchises.

Let’s say Marvel strikes a deal with Netflix for a VOD series about the early Marvel Cinematic Universe called Marvel Knights. This would be a nostalgic look at a darker more mature side of NYC in the 1970/1980s. Taxi Driver-esque you could say. I would say then and only then can you cast Benjamin McKenzie as ol’ hornhead. I’d believe him as a superhero with good ole’ Irish Catholic guilt. and in a looser Marvel Knights branded world, you could have him meet up with the likes of characters in their appropriate time periods to add a sense of history. Luke Cage. Iron Fist. Punisher. Hell. Even a younger Nick Fury. You’re welcome Marvel.

…But if we have to go plain-ole movie, Josh Hartnett is my guy. Just watch Sin City. Shit is simple.

Nichole – I’m torn on my casting picks for Daredevil. So I’ll offer my two. Jack Huston is the actor who brilliantly portrays Richard Harrow on Boardwalk Empire. I think he’s so underrated, despite Richard Harrow being a fan-favorite. A comic book movie might be just what Jack needs to up his presence in Hollywood. He definitely has the chops to fill the role. My second choice is the lesser known Aneurin Barnard. Aneurin was recently in The White Queen playing the brooding and complex Richard III. I’d never heard of him before, but his performance in TWQ really stood out for me. The only downside with Aneurin is that he’d be on the “younger” side of the spectrum, as he is 26. Bottom line, Jack or Aneurin, they both do interesting, brooding characters very well.

Cargile -  I hate to be the guy to do this, but I guess with my penchant for being likable it’s shouldn’t be a surprise I want a little of both your ideas.  I like this use of Netflix to create back stories for what I would assume would have to hit the theaters eventually in some form.  With that being said we aren’t debating the strategy of Marvel and how they will release these franchises, so on a pure character level, I like the idea of a great character actor for this.  Jack Huston already knows how to overcome a mask and still seem compelling.  With that his face is relatively unknown (the first time I saw those Guiness commercials I found myself wondering, “who’s this jamoke?”).  And if we’re going to strategize out a blueprint, I like the Marvel Knights idea and I say they take an “American Horror Story” approach and create mini series’ wrapped around certain characters who they will later make movies for (I am now going down a long rabbit hole of planning Marvel’s next 30 years).  Jack Huston it is.  However I am a sucker for Benjamin McKenzie, but I think his broodiness might be better fit for a guy like Havoc, which without warning I now just recast. Deal with it.

Green Lantern (So is it me or does this seem oddly similar to the Daredevil situation.  Hollywood hunk gets casted and no care for the quality of the movie, as long as they get their catch phrase moments.  This movie sucked.  Although Colin Farrell was a good Bullseye and Michael Clark Duncan made a very good Kingpin.):

Michael – (DISCLAIMER: I’m not going to rant on this very long, BC I could give a shit about Green Lantern.) I think they should toss away continuity and cast a totally different guy and a totally different character. My issue with Green Lantern, and with the Justice League, AND with superhero groups is that they are generally a group of orphaned white guys. In a perfect world, I’d be able to cast Lizzy Caplan as Kyle Rayner, but this will never happen. Having said that, I think they should go with John Stewart since he gained visibility in the cartoon, and I think it would be best if they cast an actor like Derek Luke, since he has a name and could be reintroduced easily in an Justice League movie. Maybe a comedic relief character can make mention in reference to the changing face of the Green Lantern. I honestly don’t think that this character needs his own movie. Unless they retooled the concept of a Green Lantern film to be more like an intergalactic Saving Private Ryan. Then we could see more of an ensemble film, which I think would be more interesting than the last thing we saw. He’s just not that interesting unless he’s with a team. Alone he’s just a green dude making  green balloons.

Nichole –  I am 100% for Idris Elba as the John Stewart Green Lantern. I pretty much want Idris to be in everything, but this role in particular would be perfect. With Sci-Fi credentials like Prometheus and Pacific Rim, Idris has a powerful, effortlessness about him which would make for a great Green Lantern. And ‘an intergalactic Saving Private Ryan’ approach sounds awesome!

Cargile – I too would cast Idris Elba in everything if I could, but I already casted him as Spawn.  Here’s the thing, if you’re going to make a whole origin story movie, you’re going to want someone seriously good, like Elba.  But hear me out on this idea.  What if DC comics decides to forgo making another movie based around this character and instead just had him show up in the Justice League movie.  And what if the Justice League movie was going to be bad, which there’s a good chance it will be.  Then what if they said fuck it and decided we’ll just revel in our badness ala Fast and Furious.  Then and only then do I say cast Tyrese.  For some reason this is wildly entertaining to me and I actually want to see this movie.  If somehow we could spare Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman from needing to be in this movie, I’m all in.  But if somehow DC surprises me and makes a good run at the Justice League franchise, I’d say give the full reboot to Green Lantern and cast Michael B. Jordan.  If anyone can do it, he can.

Deadpool (I like Ryan Reynolds.  Right?!?  I don’t know maybe it’s a bad sign that he’s had his hand in 2 of our ruined franchises):

Michael – Keep Ryan Reynolds. He wasn’t ever the problem. I blame the producers for this. Reynolds is the perfect asshole to do this part. But if a gun is to my head, my dream Deadpool would have to make fun of every superhero movie in a Tarantino fashion. It would almost have to be a metafictional farce in the vein of Community + Crank. I’d like to see someone like Matthew Vaughn take on Deadpool. Someone with a really fun kinetic style. I mean. Deadpool is kind of the James Franco/Charlie Day of superheroes. Actor wise, I’d love to see someone funny like Adam Scott don the mask. I’d want it to be sort of in the spirit of the 90’s joke the Deadpool is.  It’s a shame Joss Whedon can’t get his hands on this.

Nichole – I’m going to have to say Zachary Levi, although I don’t know how that’d work canon-wise as he’s replaced Josh Dallas as Fandral in Thor: The Dark World. He’s got the physicality and the nerd street cred. Most importantly, I think he could bring that light, comic element to Deadpool.

Cargile – Okay I know I’m supposed to help us come to a consensus but for this one I’m going to throw another hat in the ring.  While I agree that Ryan Reynolds isn’t to blame for Fox turning him into Baraka from Mortal Kombat, I still can’t help but remember that Ryan Reynolds did also have a hand in the Green Lantern fiasco so I think maybe he should just stay away from the comic book movies.  But fortunately for us there’s another brawny actor that plays the dickhead almost too well. And if we’re going to do a Community-esque satire type of thing, I’d say why not take from the source.  Joel McHale. I mean seriously.  The guy lampoons pop culture for a living on Talk Soup and his network show lampoons network shows.  He essentially is Deadpool of Hollywood already.  Cut and print.

Mr. Freeze (honestly one of the best motives among villains, can we get this guy done right):

Michael – I’d love a return to the kind of villain we hate to love. The Dr. Frankenstein types that start out with good intentions. I think that Batman villains evoke a great deal of sympathy from their tragedies. Vic Fries was once just a guy who wanted to love, but wanted to preserve everything in ice. He’s a guy holding onto love, life, and I think in today’s world, he’s hold onto his youth. He’s a Shakespearean tragedy. I think an update on Mr. Freeze would give him a slant in the vein of Dorian Grey. For these reasons, and Hollywood’s obsession with preserving youth, I’d select Paul Dano, who has the fat face of a baby, but the soul and acting chops of a much older man. Yes, I could have picked an old English guy, but I just don’t think that would make sense with the character if he was in our world today. Dano could do it.

Nichole – Okay, Okay, my choice is English – but! …For some reason, my split second gut reaction when I saw “Mr. Freeze” was Dominic West. Dominic West is another one of those underrated-why-don’t-more-people-know-you? actors. I think he has such gravitas and presence, as well as charm and charisma – which could make for an interesting, more sympathetic, Freeze.

Cargile – So first let me paint you my vision.  I’d love to start seeing some comic book movies that gave origin stories for the villains.  I mean if they can make Hannibal walk the grey line of protagonism than why can’t we do this for our comic book villains.  Most of them are certainly not as evil as Hannibal Lecter and are in most cases governed by some pretty empathetic motives.  And Mr. Freeze has one of the most empathetic stories around.  IT’S FOR LOVE DAMMIT.  Now I also have a vision of DC completely blowing people’s minds and filming 4 villain origin movies simultaneously, but doing so in complete secrecy.  Then releasing them all with less than obvious titles and making it so the actual reveal of said villains is the surprise ending.  They release all four in one year, and the final one shows them all meeting up in some post credit clip, leading to a super-villain super team movie.  It’s Avengers, but flipped. And the one guy leading the bunch is the guy who rightfully should never get an origin and he walks out of the shadows at the end of the clip just laughing maniacally and closes the clip with him saying, “wait till they get a load of us.” (for those not keeping up I’m referring to the Joker).  Rewind now, cause I think the first of these secret origin movies should be Mr. Freeze.  You make the movie about a love so great, so passionate it just can’t last, and it doesn’t.  And make it about a man who loses his mind after losing everything he ever wanted and subjects himself to grave danger in an attempt to save the only thing that matters to him.  Cue the teary eyed ending where everything goes dark and sad and all that emerges is Mr. Freeze.  And the one man I keep seeing playing this part so perfectly emotional in the early acts and cold and brutal in the final, is Ryan Gosling.  DC I’m available via email.  Lets make this summer of DC happen.

Rogue (I know people love true blood, but she was not Rogue.  We discussed a Ms. Marvel movie, and for that we’ll need a Rogue that works)

Michael – Chloe Grace Moretz. I am forever glued to the idea of Wolverine having a ward, and who better than Hit-Girl?! I can just tell from the Carrie trailers that she’d be perfect to play Marvel’s most reluctant and unmerry mutant.

Nichole – I never felt Anna Paquin fit the role of Rogue, and I was doubly disappointed when we never saw a Rogue/Gambit relationship in the movies. My pick is Juno Temple. A sprite-like actress, Juno’s been gaining momentum ever since her role in Atonement. She even had a small part in The Dark Knight Rises. My second choice is Eleanor Tomlinson. She was (unfortunately) in Jack the Giant Slayer where she didn’t get to do much with her role. She was more recently in The White Queen (second actor from this, I know, but BBC period pieces are good at casting up and coming unknowns!) as Isabel Neville and was great in the part.

Cargile – Nichole you took the words out of my mouth.  As my first crush as a kid, Rogue was the first female comic book character to catch my attention.  Her surface charm and sass that covered her deep seeded depression and loneliness always got me.  And Anna Paquin never even came close to that kind of gumption on screen. And leave it to you two to make this way too hard.  Honestly I like them both.  Is there a way we can cast them both.  I guess with a gun to my head I’m tempted to go with Chloe, but if that’s the case I want to cast Juno Temple as Domino.  Although Chloe might be better at interacting with our newly casted Deadpool as she’s a bit more snarky, so I vote both these girls for both these parts.  Honestly Hollywood just have them pull straws. And while we’re at it, I too need the Gambit-Rogue romance and will say they should cast Colin Farrell as Gambit (who’s origin story is great for a stand alone movie. Come on, bad guy turns good, people love that sort of story)

And there you have it.  Another batch of comic book franchises saved again by Rookerville.  We’ll be back next week with probably the hardest part of this series which is recasting the guys who were done almost too damn well.

The post The Great Casting Challenge Part II appeared first on Rookerville.

It seems this Ben Affleck casting caused quite a stir. As the news was dropped and the debris laid to rest, fans were up in arms over their fallen hero, Christian Bale. The thing is the Batman recasting would’ve had to happen eventually.  Just as all comic book movie stars will have to be recasted eventually.  So to avoid another commotion we’re here to help. We want to help plan ahead for these comic book franchises, both new and old, released and unreleased.  So this is our 3 part series to give Hollywood a blueprint to deal with the future of their comic book movies.  We will cast comic book characters based on 3 categories; 1) “Please don’t fuck this up”, where we’ll cast comic book movies not yet made, but we think should be; 2) “You already fucked up but we’ll see if we can save it”, where we’ll recast the movies Hollywood ruined in a bad way, i.e. Green Lantern; and lastly 3) “That’s a tough act to follow”, where we’ll recast the best casted characters in an attempt to prepare the franchises when their star actors move on. 

Part I: Please Don’t Fuck This Up

Lobo (I’ve heard rumors of Lobo, the bounty hunter from the Superman universe getting his own movie, he’s a good character):

Nichole- Jason Mamoa. He’s got the look and the GoT following. He’s definitely gained more popularity since portraying Drogo (we won’t mention Conan…) I think if given the chance, he could pull Lobo off.

Michael- The Rock. While I do love the idea of JMamo’s physicality, I don’t think he could bring the humor of the character to the table. Unless they go with the inferior New 52 characterization of Lobo, this movie NEEDS to be funny. I kind of always saw him as DC’s Deadpool anyhow. Even though Ron Pearlman is my dream casting for the part, I think The Rock would make this movie too hot to pass up at the box office.

Cargile- While I like the idea of Jason Mamoa and how much that would please Game of Thrones fans, I just don’t know if he can match the star power of the Rock.  I think without makeup Mamoa is much closer to the image of Lobo, but the charisma of the Rock is undeniable. I can’t say no to the man that saved the Fast and Furious franchise.

Spawn (I know this was technically done already, but it wasn’t terrible and it was prior to this era of Hollywood, so I’m treating it as new):

Nichole- This one was kind of hard, seeing as how Spawn is pretty much covered up most of the time. But I’m going to have to say Common. I regularly watch Hell on Wheels, and Common’s acting ability has surprised me. I’m pretty sure he’s into comic book movies, too.

Michael- I dig Spawn. I don’t think his original movie get enough credit for really keeping the superhero movie alive during the Dark Ages of Fandom where everything was rubber nipples. But since it’s too late to do a sequel to that tonally perfect film, I think it would be dope if they brought a live-action series to the small screen. Imagine a Wire-esque procedural show in a superhero/horror universe. I think that would be the dopest. So my casting for Spawn would be contingent on marketability and cost. Though I’d love to see Jamie Foxx or Anthony Mackie take the lead on the big screen, my hands down pick would have to be Chad L. Coleman. Many of you will remember him from The Wire or The Walking Dead. I think overall, he has the physicality and the acting range to portray a man brought back from the dead to fight in a metropolitan hell.

Cargile- Oddly enough, I like a combination of both your ideas.  I think if Spawn was ever to hit the big screen again I’m going to offer my own opinion and say Idris Elba should be approached.  His work in Luther alone should be enough for casting directors.  But now I like the idea of Spawn being a TV series and in which case I might like the sounds of Common.  My only fear would be it turning out like Blade the series which was actually good but I’m not sure Sticky Fingaz ever got taken seriously, which is what held that show back.  My final vote is Idris Elba, big screen.

Ms. Marvel (I think this movie could be an awesome prequel to Rogue movie.  Plus then you have Ms. Marvel for the new Avengers, just saying):

Nichole- Katee Sackhoff all the way! Starbuck is one of my favorite fictional characters of all time. She even seems to be a fan favorite for this part (well, based on the amount of photosets and fan art floating around tumblr.) With a large Sci-Fi following, Katee possesses a great balance of toughness and wit. She’s even expressed a desire to play this part!  http://www.comicbookmovie.com/fansites/notyetamovie/news/?a=80314

Michael- Now many of you know how I like to be a little “avant-garde” with my fantasy casts, but I’m going to have to agree with Nichole 100%. Katee Sackhoff FTW. I think it would be awesome to see a Ripley-esque superhero in the MCU.

Cargile- I can’t buck the trend too much.  And I just listened to an interview with Katee Sackhoff and she’s awesome.  Plus she’s in Riddick and was awesome in Battlestar, Nichole you nailed this one.  Katee Sackhoff it is.

Wonder Woman (This one has to be done for the inevitable Justice League Movie):

Nichole- Katie McGrath. I didn’t watch Merlin, but I believe it has a considerable following. Katie has that whole light-eyed, dark haired thing going for her that Lynda Carter has. She’s going to be in the upcoming Dracula series, so no doubt she’ll garner more attention and popularity from that. She also has training with a sword: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_SH5D0BRQ4

Michael- Lucy Goddamn Lawless. I don’t care that she’s 45. Hollywood didn’t just miss the boat on this one. They woke up late for train and now there are delays, so now they have to hop on a shuttle bus to the boat which already left. Subsequently, the boat crashed into an ice cap and years later the whole event was turned into a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett. Yes there are tons of sexy young people that could be cast in the role, but I think Wonder Woman should be like Wolverine and Thor mixed into one film. She’s a goddamn warrior. She even killed Ares recently, so now shes the new god of war. I want to see the new god of war give the man of steel a run for his money. I think that Lucy Lawless should have had the chance to do this a million times. I can think of a million girls who could play this part, but Lucy Lawless has always been the Wonder Woman we deserved, and it’s a shame the character doesn’t have a movie or a TV series post Lynda Carter.you could focus on many things with Wonder Woman, but aside from the beauty, elegance, and majesty of the character, she is a violent protector. I’d love to see a film about her moving to america  in WWII, and protecting Themyscira from a Nazi invasion with the aide of Steve Trevor… I’d die happy.

Food for thought: If I had to cast young…I wonder what Rebecca Hall or Jennifer Garner could bring to the table…?

Cargile- So I like where your heart is at with Lucy Lawless, but that ship has passed I think.  If we’re going with the origins movie first, I tend to lean towards a lesser known actress.  I think it’s always good when a comic book character can become synonymous with the actors that play them, so with that I lean towards Katie McGrath, but if they are saving Wonder Woman purely for the ensemble movie, you can take a bit of a chance.  If so I’m going to nominate Olivia Wilde.  She has the angular face that’s gorgeous and tough looking at the same time. I think if she took the role seriously she could bring an interesting twist to it.

Well that’s it for Part I.  Next we’ll be exploring the franchises that need resuscitation in Part II: “You already fucked up but we’ll see if we can save it”.  Share your casting thoughts below.  I’m sure everyone has their own opinions. 

The post The Great Casting Challenge Part I appeared first on Rookerville.

Yes this movie came out yeeeeeaaaaars ago. In the old days. 2011. I am a late-bloomer. I tried to get this posted on numerous sites in fact…but to no avail. I kind of like to see Rookerville as the America of blogs. Some of us are the beautiful people. And some of us are me. 

“Your favorite movie is… The Ten Commandments?”

For you poor culture virgins out there, who still didn’t see this movie, this is for you. Also see the Wizard of Oz, I hear that movie was good. Without further ado…

Shame (2011) is not for everyone.

·         Girls
·         Most people that watch Girls
·         Your Mother
·         Young Male Roommates
·         Guys who still like Wedding Crashers

I got a lot of feelings, so I’m into any movie that can get them going. The most recent* movie that got me was Shame. Yeah. I know It came out a while ago, but I was in college when it did, thus I had no money. Now that I’ve graduated, I’m catching up. I suppose it doesn’t make me an active consumer, but it does make me a retroactive consumer. Thus cultured. Thus. My opinion is valid. Now that I’ve made that a “thing,” we can proceed…thusly.

1       So Shame is a great movie if you are into the new emotional torture porn genre (that I’ve made up the term for). That means Shame is awesome if you liked Blue Valentine, or any movie that gives one less hope for the human race.
2.       Shame is not something you watch with your boys. That means if they don’t know what “harrowing” means, they are going to misunderstand the film as “a movie about a guy that gets laid a lot and then belly aches.” Trust me. I watched it with a roommate. I’m sure I could watch it with more of my 19 – 25 year old friends who do not understand the crushing weight of sex addiction.
3.       Now that I think about it, you have to be really successful in order to afford a diverse and truly self-destructive sex addiction. Maybe this movie is difficult for the common man to relate to.
4.       It wasn’t weird to see Michael Fassbender’s penis, until I remembered that he is Magneto. I saw Magneto’s penis. X-Men: Days of Future Past is going to be a little weird for me.
5.        I’m not sure how to wrap this up (PUN) but I am sure that I’m afraid of sex now. See it if you want to be done with that part of your life. All it does is make Carey Mulligan slit her wrists.

Bonus: I don’t know why I thought things would ever get better when he threw his porn away.

The post Retrospective Review: Shame appeared first on Rookerville.

Inspired by a friend’s obsession with this.

I had a huge scholarly intro, but I just wanna cut to the chase. What’s with straight dudes playing gay with their friends? Like, okay, I get it I guess in 1998 it was funny to pretend to be gay with your boys. Maybe you played a game of gay chicken. Maybe you tied the bottom of your shirts into makeshift tanks and did your best impression of a male hair dresser. Maybe you lisp the lyrics to a Madonna song for a good laugh. Maybe you threaten your bros with the onslaught of some kind of aggressive sexual advance. Maybe you even fake flirt with your guy pals “to be funny.”

Maybe you do a lot of what you think is “fake gay shit.”

This behavior can come from lots of places that I don’t care to go into. But at the end of the day, you are either:

a)      In denial about your sexuality.

Or

b)      Amused by homosexuality.

If you are the former, I wish you luck with finding out who you really are and I feel terrible that your true self can only be expressed through “jokes.” If you are the latter, congrats. You’re a knuckle dragging macho man who probably thinks the direct-to-video American Pie movies are funny. You’re a regular Van Wilder. I’ll bet you like Dane Cook and LOVE Tucker Max. The Gay and Lesbian section of Netflix is a real LAUGH RIOT to you. You probably threaten to put on Brokeback Mountain whenever its movie night with the pals. I’ll bet you’ve never actually thought about your sexuality. I mean how could you? You’re “straight as fuck.”  Only F-words question themselves right?

Do me a favor. Go back to your National Lampoon Presents version of reality.

The post Nah, It Ain’t Gay appeared first on Rookerville.

These were just some of the questions that I had. They were questions that I had no way of answering, so I made a promise to become an adventurer in the quantum space of the imagination.

“Father, I will become a nerd.”

I mean, that’s what you are when you see things the way I do. Life is just primer for a really great story. Science Fiction, fantasy, horror, et al… All of these genres are real life with bells and whistles. Daily life is just science-fiction minus the metaphors. I don’t really buy the idea that people are interested in the robots, and aliens, and wizards. Without that real-life context, these archetypes are just shells–empty masks.

So what are we interested in? I’m a thoroughly limited man, so I’m not going to pretend I’m an authority figure or anything like that. I’m sure we all have our reasons to escape, but I’m not interested in that. To me, sci-fi has evolved beyond being a mere escape. I don’t want to leave our world, I want to deal with it on a microscopic level. I’m interested in the minutiae of fictional worlds. The kind of stuff we don’t really waste our time thinking about because we see them everyday.

If I were telling the story in the Star Wars universe, my interest would probably not shift to the big names of that world. I’m not interested in the simple villains or the obvious heroes. I want to tell a story about the Clone Riots, and Clone Rights Rallies. I want a story about a small sect of Sith followers being oppressed by the Jedi. I could care less about Luke Skywalker, especially since his story is constantly referenced to and recycled. I want something a bit more complicated. A bit closer to home.

Right now I feel that the binaries have once again broken down. People aren’t just about “good and evil” anymore. One can’t exist without the other. I think our culture has matured. The bad guys aren’t just out there in the world. They live inside of us. They convolute our personal narratives. We now live in the world or Jack Kirby’s Apokolips. A world filled with insane acts of desensitizing violence. We now live in the world of the Matrix, Terminator, and Robocop. A world where we risk losing our humanity to technology through the excessive use of social media. The world ended a long time ago and we are coasting on top of fragments of the old world. Though these narratives are relevant, they are painfully redundant. We get it, robots are scary and dangerous–now what else? I want to know what else. Are people just as dangerous in that world?

We get it, James bond is a womanizing, alcoholic–now what else? Maybe give him some PTSD.

In fact, give all of my heroes PTSD. Batman retired–now what? Can I get a story from someone about superhero retirement? NOT heroes coming out of it–but actually living in that environment? How does someone like Batman relax? What is a boring day to him? Does he ever mastubate in the shower? Does he ever have sexy dreams about the Joker that make him uncomfortable? Does he make really bad penis jokes to members of the JLA? Does he always lose in athletic competitions against other superheroes? Is Nightwing getting a leg up on his old man? What does Batman’s life mean when he retires? Will he ever try drugs when he realizes that his obligations as Batman prevented him from living the same kind of “full life” his rich peers have lived? What is Batman like on Mali? Is he really bad at deciphering when Wonder Woman is flirting with him? Will Batman ever find out that the only way for him to maintain an erection is to keep the mask on?

These are the questions I hope to answer.

(This is something I’m going to pitch to Wes Anderson and Bill Murray. Hopefully Jason Bateman is around to play Nightwing.)

The post On SF/Fantasy: Inspiration from Inquiry appeared first on Rookerville.

I went to Manhattan College, like many of the people on this blog. They probably know what I’m talking about. The seasonal changes of MC, marked certain transformations in my disposition.

Fall was always wonderfully nostalgic. The colors: the reds and pale oranges of the leaves with the deep greens of the quadrangle always reminded me of some quaint-sugary-sweet-college-movie-soundtrack. Something that mixes 60s folk music with Rilo Kiley songs. It’s just such an innocent time filled with mystery, solitude, and hope for the future. This time of the year is pregnant with meaning until the first night that I get totally wasted before Halloween. Then the rest of the semester is me catching up on my shit load of papers. I’m in the library until ungodly hours. I really pressed for time, but I still find enough time to accidentally end up at a party that I said I wasn’t going to. I have no money to spend on food, but I scrounge up enough to bring a 40 with me to the aforementioned party, because god forbid I show up to a social event semi-sober. These are my problems.

Winter will fly by, and so will finals and final papers. I won’t sleep for two weeks. To aid my studying and writing, I will load up on coffee and Adderall. Because let’s face it, I will NOT pass this semester without Adderall. What a wonderful pill. I’ll crunch it up into an orange juice and fly high on my thoughts for a day and a half. When that wears off, I’ll save my other pill for the end, and fuel up on coffee and bagels. I will put nothing but shit into my body, because I’m young and I can get away with it. My worst problem in this life is getting a bad grade, or handing in a paper late, and at this point, I’ve already become really good at bargaining with professors. I’m a senior. I deserve a B- in everything, but because I’ve had these professors already, they are going to commiserate with me. They’ll ask me how I do it as I rush to them on my cloud of bullshit and caffeine.

Christmastime comes and I get stir crazy. New Year’s comes and I black out. I swear never to drink again.

I stay on campus during winter break. I start to feel like the campus belongs to me. I work on campus and I survive on some holiday money that I use to get bread and tuna salad shit. I could conquer the world with those things. For a while, I feel like all I’ll ever need is bread, tuna salad, and my dying laptop.

School starts and it’s still cold. I don’t make any plans to work. Spring semester work isn’t really even work. When people go out, I go out. I hit on the easy freshman girls and buy them the cheapest drinks… I’m not gonna invest in an underclassman. Let be real. Some of my friends call me a creep and I say we’re all creeps. Four years is no difference. I creepy guy to my left overhears this and applauds me. He is old, about 50-something. He’s got balding grey hair and he’s wearing a green sweat shirt under a brown, dirty vest. He’s got yellow teeth and really bad breath, like he gargles whiskey. This fuck buys me a drink and I feel like a creep. I see a girl I hooked up with in the crowd. She probably who I should be buying drinks for, but she’s talking to some hip douchebag. Whatever. I’m out of money so I drink from the fist-sized flask I brought with me.

Then comes the first day of spring. I’m only looking at asses in maxi dresses. Do all girls get like an email notification? Christ. And here I go. As JT says in Alpha Dog, “let’s run though some shit.” Spring is just nice enough for me to show up late to EVERY class. I feel like I’m in a late 90s teen movie. And this season, I am not thinking.

And I feel it all slipping away from me as midterm roll by. I try to think about what I learned. I go to bars and awkwardly try to hookup with girls I have class with. I’m brown-out status right now, so I think I kiss a girl who is way hot. I will friend her on Facebook the next day. She will not accept. I’ll digitally stalk her and find out deduce that she only kissed me because she thought I was gay, and there was a guy around that she didn’t want hitting on her. Holy shit, she’s a cheerleader! I brag to my friends and omit the details. I fool myself into believing that I’m going to begin a hot streak.

I invite a girl from my class to watch Midnight In Paris. We drink cheap scotch from my personal bottle. It usually lasts the week, but I’m trying to make out with this girl so I make sure we are socially lubricated. The watching leads to talking which does not lead to making out or sex, just talking. We talk. As I try to seduce her with my English-y-ness, I realize that instead of seduction, I just vomit loads of shit, load of fucking baggage about my ex-fling from junior year. I realize quickly that I’ve never been in any real relationships. I wonder if my life is even a real life. I have some small victories. Some failures. Most of my collegiate life has been marked by non-trys and non-attempts. I’m in stasis. This girl has every right not to hook up with me.

I talk about stasis with my friend at a hipster college party. Sorry, this is a few weeks later. The end of April. He calls me a homo, a big ole’ gay boy. I drink cheap whiskey. I see the girl I hooked up with. The one I saw in the crowd. The one I should buy drinks for. (Let’s face it, the only “one” that could exist for a functioning alcoholic is the one I share booze with.) I confront her about the hipster. She confronts me about being a child. She tells me about how we only have a few more weeks before our whole world ends.

“Why are you wasting it trying to hit on fucking teenage girls?”

“They aren’t teenage girls.”

She laughs. We drink and listen to collegiate poets read about their exes. All the white people look hilarious dancing to James Brown. It’s hilarious because everyone at this party is so drunk that they are now genuine. Is this why I drink? If my drinking habits are an essay, is that the thesis?

We go to An Beal. We’re both black out. I see the creep in the sweat shirt. He offers us both drinks. I black out. I grow up.

A few weeks later graduation comes. I remember what my older brother said about how he was drunk, so I intend to do the same. I take two shots of vodka and put on clothes that I know my mother will hate. My last flares of immaturity need to burn out of me somehow; I have work tomorrow. (God why am I doing this to myself?)

Graduation happens. People cry. I avoid it. I avoid pictures with people. I get my diploma and get out. I made it. God. I then wonder why we aren’t going out to eat. My brother got to go out when he graduated.

I think I made it out alive. My family tells me it’s all over. My fear shows. I run upstairs to cry in my sister’s room. I sob the hardest I’ve sobbed since 2008.

Spring 2013

Yes, I know, even for a fictional version of myself, I was an asshole back then. This year I got up at six and put on my cardigan sweater and my tweed jacket. I’m so bundled up these days. I don’t have enough time to think about it. I get on the train and go to work.

Most of the day is me looking busy. I play with numbers. I do little things for other people. I’ve got a few opportunities on the queue, but regardless, I’m looking forward to a little more money. Because I’d rather atrophy than ask my parents for money in this real life that I live.

I take my lunch break late. I go outside and realize that the thermal/shirt combo I have is actually too much. Holy shit, it’s spring again and I’m not dead. I would be happy about it if I was the person I used to be. I’d see it as some sort of accomplishment.

But it isn’t. It’s just life. Spring now means that I can ride my bike after work until it gets too late.

The post What the fuck time? Slow down appeared first on Rookerville.

The worst parts of you are like shit clogging a toilet. You’re tired of telling this story over and over again. Every time you tell it, you feel the worst parts of yourself resurface. You begin to tell the story just like you always do. You start at the end when you told her to leave.

            Leave. Just leave.

You tell the story: remembering, hating, wanting, and waiting. You tell the story and feel yourself shrink as you resist calling her a bitch in front of your best friend, co-worker, blind date, etc. You swallow it and all of the shit that the last seven years made you feel. You’re eyes burn and water, but you don’t cry because this story happened such a long time ago. Maybe you forget all the stuff in between each time you tell the story, but you always remember how you looked at her when you told her to get the fuck out with a kind of lyrical violence that makes public hate speech look like Green Eggs and Ham.

You grabbed her shoulders. You squeezed them. You felt like you could pick her up and throw her so far up into the sky that when she came down, Heaven would have removed every trace of insecure, cheating, broken bitch from her. You monster. You weren’t and will never be strong enough to throw her, but if you didn’t take your spindly hands from her when you did, you may have tried to throw her. You’re an artist! You can’t have thoughts like this!

Your hands flew from her and dangled to your sides. You breathed. Slowly. Sadly. Trying not to cry. You whispered get-the-fuck-out, Sarah. You are betrayed, burning, suffocating on your self-doubts. The only thing you want to touch is the cool nylon comforter of the soft, forgiving, womb-like bed in the Parisian hotel room that you may as well have defenestrated her from. But, you can’t sit. She exits, but the act is less like an exit and more like a candle burning into nothing.  She swiftly seeps out of the door and leaves it open as you stand there. Paralyzed. The open door is a black hole and so are you. The space between you is a wormhole, a short bridge between the dickless, cuckold of a man you feel like and the indestructible vampire of a creature you intend to transform into. Before you walk the bridge you close the door and wait in the hotel room for a few days.  You pace. You drink. You eat. You stare at the television that you can’t understand. You repeat. You begin to smell like shit from the scents of all of the room service food, sweat, and unexcused farts that have been building up in your “womb.” The stink reminds you of two things: smells present at the end of the universe, and the smell of birth. There’s no way that could have smelled good.

Before you cross the bridge between yourself and your (prospective) self, you think through time and ask how exactly did I get here?

Satisfy me, she said with her chest poked out. You were sitting down at a bar in New Orleans almost a year after you graduated college. “The Riverside.” You just joined an Americorp group. You’re going to take over the world with all of your good deeds. They were having a fundraiser for Katrina victims. It was 2006. You were 24. Your crew was just getting together for a “get-to-know-each-other session.”

What?! You almost spit your beer all over yourself.

You heard me. Satisfy me. She stood close to you with her thighs straddling one of yours. She knew exactly what she was doing. From your knee you could feel the warmth that radiated from between her legs. You could already smell the sex smell that would reoccur for the next four years. Maybe it was the humidity, but you knew she was serious. Your knee told you this. She wanted you; you didn’t know where or when, but she wanted you and you were going to have her.

What’s your name?

Sarah.

Sarah looked at you like a chess master looking at the opposing king. Sitting down, you and she were the same height. Before she pounced, you didn’t even get the chance to give her the ole’ “once over.” When you did get the chance, you ran out of ways you could possibly make conversation with this perfect manic pixie. She wore her hair long. The color was brown and blonde and auburn—something awesome and unnatural—a color too vivid and fuck me-ish to have originated on this planet. She wore a green neon “UCLA Class of 2002” shirt with the sleeves cut off and widened enough to see her hot pink Victoria’s Secret bra. (Does she come here to do this often? If she does, she totally has my admiration. I’m not even mad at it.) She wore short khaki work shorts and ugly brown boots from the job. When you peaked at her zipper, you tried to cross your legs before she moved in closer and slammed her hands down on your knees.

Just like that: the bitch caught you.

At first it was drunk unbelievable flirtation. You said your name was Perry Keaton, Jr. like you were a kid from Kansas and she laughed and she smiled and you looked at her and soaked her up.

And you soaked her up.

(Damn girl.)

For the first time in days–weeks–you weren’t so scared to be far from home. Her unnaturally brown eyes were radioactive. You were all what’re you drinkin’ like you were James Dean or something.

Whiskey shots and P.B.R. for $5. Had to be the best bad idea you ever heard. She started tap-drumming on your knees. She was already drunk and you weren’t much of a drinker, but the both of you kept drinking. Fast. 45 minutes later, you were listening to the bartender.

I’h got figh’ chil’ren . I’h got Tommy, Ginny, Daryl, Vincent and Carl an’I  love’m. Dey all goin ta school. Da boys all played foot-ball. Some dem still’ playin foot-ball.  Mah girl, she move to New York ta get huhsef inta fashion. Nah y’see dey talk all dey want about how dumb black folk is and how poor black folk is, dey don’ know nuthin’ about mah babies. Dey gonna all be in de White House, you watch, Ha! Ha! Dey gon’ do what me an’ my husbin couldn’t do. Black folk had a hard time. Wadin’ no black folk in school or in de foot-ball fieels. We just sit at home or go to church. Das we’hre I met dey Daddy. I tell you. We did whud we hadda do. Wuddin’ nobody gonna tell me shit. Me and dey Daddy built dat house. We raise them chil’ren and ain’t go nothin’. Ain’t got nothin’ . Now Katrina come along and give everybody: nothin’.  I tell you ain’t godda be smart. It’s gon’ take sum time, Lord knows. But we gonna make somethin’. We gon’ make somethin’ outta nothin. Cause das what we do. Gonna make somethin’ good… Now whatchu’ want?

The bartender looked like Ving Rhaymes with a perm. Not the best look for a woman of 63. Her name was Big Nonni and apparently she makes some meeeean eye-Talian food. She also made the mixed drinks a little too strong. You didn’t know it at the time, but that meant she liked you.

(Shit is this vodka?!)

You ordered two fishbowls by accident, you fucking idiot.

(Don’t get sloppy. Not in front of Sarah. Not in front of Big Nonni. DON’T SHIT THE BED ON THIS ONE.)

You tried to continue listening to Big Nonni, but that damn Sarah just kept on a’rubbin’ your leg and whispering sweet somethings into your ear. Every time Sarah drew closer to whisper, you felt like she was going to bite off your ear and chew it slowly in front of you. What kind of nutjob is she? Are all the girls this crazy?

Okay, I’ve been sitting here all night laughing and bullshitting with you, can’t you take the hint, Sinatra? Or are you a Woody Allen?

…

Or are you *gasp* waiting until you’re married?

…Ha! Uh!… Sigh! You improvised the fakest cough. What were you waiting for? A rhyme and a reason? It’s just sex you dummy, and you’re in your twenties. (Use it before you lose it.)

Then, finally! you did something so cool. You put your hand on her hips. Thank fucking God. You put your hands on her hips and that one little gesture sparked the man in you.

Now aren’t we being bold.

            I don’t normally kiss on the first date.

            This is a date?

            I bought you a drink, we listened to some crazy  Big Nonni tales stories. You touched my knee. Yeah, that’s a date.

            She laughed at your lame sense of humor and drew closer.

Well this date took me by surprise.

You drew closer. And you didn’t even have to have a proper conversation. Her tapping Morse code on your knee was enough. She was going to be a cool ass girl.

I know. This moment became an outer-body experience as you photoshopped yourself out of reality and replace him with Harrison Ford. It was a sneak date. Hook. Line. Sinker. You-had-her. She drew closer and you thought she was going to kiss you, but instead she just licked your nose. This was the beginning of the end. You two left the bar and gave Big Nonni a smack on the cheek. Everyone’s drunk, so everyone’s known each other for yeeeeears.

Ya’ll betta keep yo’ skinnny behines oudda trubble.

            You two ran around the streets of New Orleans holding hands. A hot mess covered in each other’s sweat and sloppy kisses, like one of your mother’s trashy romance novels. Both of your legs were so dirty as you stumbled into the pizza place to order fried chicken. On the plane ride down you had been craving some authentic New Orleans cajun fried chicken; it’s just like you, you idiot New Yorker, to settle for whatever fills your gut at the moment. You didn’t want to wait on any lines. The worst part is is that you knew as you were eating it that it wasn’t going to be anything special.

After a conversation about Fifel Goes West, you dedided to check out a karaoke bar. Instead of singing, you both left the joint with two huge ass beers labeled “Huge Ass Beers.”

Huge. Ass-Beers. Huge. ASSBEERS! … ASSBEERS! (This joke would become your  number one annoying, eternal inside joke, right above the lyrics to the Mr. Softee jingle^[1] you improvised that time you guys visited Portland…Ugh…You wish you could fucking forget Portland.)

It was pretty cool that you guys could drink in the street. New Orleans was a crazy ass place.

You took the trolley home and went back to the volunteer house. Your room was empty. You both walked in. The door shut. Your bed was the top bunk. You’ve never done it there before. You put in a DVD to moderate the awkwardness of trying to remember how to initiate a sexual encounter. All of the conditions were perfect, you just needed to activate what was already there. You should have turned the lights off you dummy.

You put your finger through her hair and kissed her like she was the last woman you’d ever kissed. Thatta boy. She took your shirt off and ignored your lack of muscle definition. You almost had abs. (Although, now you do.) You both climbed to the top bunk, where you both felt a little dangerous, like pornographic trapeze artists. It was like “me Tarzan, you Jane” up there, only when Tarzan fucks the shit out of someone, he knows what he’s doing–he’s been naked in the jungle fucking jungle-women, you’ve been Irish Catholic in Long Island until now. You didn’t know it at the time but this was the beginning of the end for you. You thought this was something special. You confused making love and even having sex with pure, carnal fucking.

She didn’t. Anything that happened after this was really her seeing the world your way.

She didn’t want you to go down on her. She didn’t want to go down on you. She didn’t want anything special. Fact is, you were two bodies, one average and one slightly above average that needed to feel the heat of another heaving, panting body. Like eating anything, listening to a story you’ve heard a thousand times before, or shitting, this was transient. You both came. It was over. Just like it is right now.

And that’s really the way the story goes. You dated for years. You were going to be married. But somehow the entirety of your courtship could be summarized in a simple we fucked once in New Orleans and I made it more than it was. You blew it up and placed this fuck on a cosmic scale.

At least you’ll never make that mistake again.

Before you left The Riverside, someone took out a disposable camera in the bar and yelled picture! as she was already hooking your neck and putting you in pictures that you would forget were taken. It’s just like you to forget about the pictures taken between the beginning and the end, Perry Keaton.

by Michael Stevens

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