The 2013 Penguin Awards: Not-so-Person Of The Year
Dec27

The 2013 Penguin Awards: Not-so-Person Of The Year

First off welcome to the Penguin Awards.  This is Rookerville’s attempt to wrap up the year.  The one guarantee about awards shows and end of the year lists is that, inevitably, no one can ever agree on them. Rather than attempting to assign a numerical rank to something so subjective in nature, our approach to quantifying what took place during the previous calendar year is more broad – our own preferences in each...

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The 2013 Penguin Awards: Villain Of The Year (Non Fiction)
Dec27

The 2013 Penguin Awards: Villain Of The Year (Non Fiction)

  First off welcome to the Penguin Awards.  This is Rookerville’s attempt to wrap up the year.  The one guarantee about awards shows and end of the year lists is that, inevitably, no one can ever agree on them. Rather than attempting to assign a numerical rank to something so subjective in nature, our approach to quantifying what took place during the previous calendar year is more broad – our own preferences in each...

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The 2013 Penguin Awards: Fictional Villain Of The Year
Dec26

The 2013 Penguin Awards: Fictional Villain Of The Year

First off welcome to the Penguin Awards.  This is Rookerville’s attempt to wrap up the year.  The one guarantee about awards shows and end of the year lists is that, inevitably, no one can ever agree on them. Rather than attempting to assign a numerical rank to something so subjective in nature, our approach to quantifying what took place during the previous calendar year is more broad – our own preferences in each...

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Twenty-Three: A Birthday Carol
Dec23

Twenty-Three: A Birthday Carol

I’ve always hated having a birthday the same month of Christmas. The days are at a safe distance, but it doesn’t prevent the inevitable combo gift. Maybe that’s bratty, but I’m of the opinion that although it’s better to give than to receive, it’s more fun to get shit. This is why we spare children and the shitty paper dolls they give us. (Or this is why my father spared me and the shitty paper Batmen I’d give him year after...

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Bring the Payne
Dec23

Bring the Payne

A retired widower driving a Winnebago to see his daughter’s wedding, realizing with every mile how wasted his life has been. A failed novelist who thinks he’s a wine connoisseur when really he’s just an alcoholic. A real estate mogul whose entire family seems to hate the sight of him. A high school teacher whose boredom with his own life manifests itself in the unreasonable hatred of a straight-A student. A pregnant woman whose...

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On Santa
Dec18

On Santa

I need to talk about Santa Claus because I fucking hate people. Santa is like Batman. He is an idea, not just a person. This ho doesn’t get what Santa and Jesus are supposed to represent. But it’s been a few days and I’ve cooled down about this issue. I just don’t care. I grew up in house where we put a black angel on the tree. I mean, fuck it. Fuckity-fuck it. Shit is dumb anyway. Kids actin’ all fake and shit. Kids at Christmas when...

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