We’re back with another episode of the already fantastic Challenge Free Agents and the pairing off is starting to hit hard. With the lack of pressure of alliances to deal with it seems like the competitors are playing a bit looser in the house. The obligatory costume party drunk fest kicks the episode off as everyone but Cohutta gets dressed up as some slutty sort of slut thing. I guess when you get smashed up with people for 3 months of every year, it loses its novelty if you don’t do stupid shit like that. From the outset it looks like Dustin’s promise to respect Heather’s feelings while he’s in the house is never gonna happen, as he’s flirting with Emilee, and making out with Jessica. In addition to that you’ve got lots of making out at the bar nights and the ultimate incoherent fight between Camila and Nany, but i’ll get into that later. ON TO COMPETITION!
Challenge #2: Auto Body Rally
The first pairs challenge of the season and it seems pretty straightforward. They have to work in guy/girl pairs to drag race a car down a track, park it, run out over to a modified bike course and bike through a course that is set up so that that one person steers without being able to see, while the other bikes. Fastest time wins. It’s basically a communication challenge. The best twist is that the cars are stick shift! As the captains all begin choosing it’s clear that Preston is always going to be the last guy, and no one has faith in Jessica. Swift and Theresa had easily the worst team time as Swift couldn’t drive a stick to save his life. Dustin and Nany crushed them. Teams with notably good finishes were Preston/Camila (which no one saw coming), Laurel/Cohutta, Leroy/Jessica (who had to compete alone), and Jordan/Jasmine. The teams with the four worst times were Frank/Nia (surprisingly), CT/Emilee (no surprise), Swift/Theresa, Johnny/Cara Maria. The worst times were automatically sent to The Draw. Because Laurel and Cohutta ended up winning (sick bday present Cohutta), they could vote any male or female in regardless of teams, and opt to send in Jonna and Dustin.
Elimination #2: Wrecking Wall
Jonna and Dustin were voted into the elimination, and Emilee and Frank (again!) were put in by the luck of The Draw. The competition actually seems like it could be really fun. Basically they have to climb a wall by smashing the wall to create hand and footholds to then climb up to ring a bell. It looks like a giant sheetrock wall, so speed, again, is the key. Emilee against Jonna pitted friend against friends, but it wasn’t even close. Jonna, who isn’t even good, MURDERED Emilee. I feel bad for even ranking her higher than anyone last week, because she was truly the weakest competitor of all. Dustin and Frank’s wall climb was a lot closer. At first, I thought Frank was gonna pack it in because he seemed really defeated having to go in again, but he turned it on, and ended up besting Dustin on what I thought was his elimination to lose.
My Challenge rankings can be found below!
- C.T.: If people went out and put $750 bucks on my card, I’d lose my fucking mind too. Also, Camila, cool it on telling him he doesn’t have a college degree or a home maybe?
- Frank: Dude’s getting battle-tested. I can’t think of another season better for our resident crazy to go into eliminations. He’s not getting voted, so it can’t make him want to kill someone. Its the luck of the draw. His luck will turn eventually.
- Leroy: Leroy is C.T. without rage issues and enemies. I’d like to see what would happen if he were to get either.
- Jordan: Jordan likes Laurel for real reasons, but if he were playing her, that’d make sense too. She’s gonna win a lot, so that keeps him protected from getting the vote-in at least once or twice. Alas, I think he really likes her. They make a great power-couple. I want to see them work.
- Zach: Quiet start of the season for Zach so far. He’s on my fantasy team, so I don’t hate it.
- Cohutta: Are you even a real person?
- Bananas: You’re acting like a real Dunbar this season. Step your game up! Are we seeing the decline of the king of the challenge?
- Isaac: No killer instinct at all. I think he’ll be going home very soon. Be warned, if you drafted him.
- Brandon: I finally found what Brandon can do for screen time. As long as he holds Camila back in a fight, he’ll be on TV! Calling her a crazy kid made out of razor blades was pretty great.
- Preston: MY MAN! He killed it driving and biking. As long as the challenges this season arent all strength-based, I think Prestonian might make a few waves
- Swift: Bro, for all the shit you talk and you get out-driven by every single guy in the rally. Also, you want to hookup with Jasmine? That’s like hooking up with a Rugrats character, dude.
- Johnny (Portland): You don’t speak, hookup, and you aren’t impressive at all in any competitive capacity? You’re in the Preston Memorial Bottom Slot this week.
- Laurel: She’s the top dog and of course she wants to make out with Jordan. But then again it’s Laurel, so OF COURSE she acts like nothing happened the next day. Ugh, be honest with yourself girl!
- Camila: It’s not a Challenge if Camila doesn’t have at least one incomprehensible blowout fight with someone she’s friends with. Her fight with Nany makes less than no sense and the fact that it came from ANOTHER fight that made no sense, makes it even better. Never change.
- Theresa: The only thing Theresa did this week was not lose in the draw. Otherwise it was a quiet week for her.
- Nia: I want to see her in a physical challenge. She’s a bit lanky, but I feel like she’s got that WNBA strength and will be able to do work when given the opportunity.
- LaToya: Seeing Emilee’s poor performance made me miss the rookie beast that was LaToya. She would have sent Jonna packing easily.
- Cara Maria: I feel Brandonish about her sometimes. For someone who has been on so many of these, she never seems to know how to play any single game well at all. She’s never terrible, but she’s definitely NEVER good.
- Jessica: I kinda feel bad for her. She’s picked last in the challenge and she loses her competition for Dustin and Dustin in the same elimination.
- Nany: Nany gets herself into a lot of drama for someone who’s never proven themselves in any challenge so far. If I were her, I’d stick to making out with Cohutta. Also, wear lower skirts. How you can fight Camila for 3 hours with your entire vagina exposed is beyond me.
- Jasmine: There is no pairing in the world that makes more sense than Swift and Jasmine. Cargile, you called that one from a mile away. She is Lady Swift.
- Aneesa: Aneesa dressed as Lil Kim circa ’98 will forever haunt my dreams.
- Jonna: Don’t be proud of yourself for beating a girl who was only here to kiss cute boys.
- Devyn: No comment, but I’m sure she went undrafted in many a league.
- GOODBYE LOSERS:
- Emilee: She definitely wasn’t here to compete. Child was straight up weaksauce.
- Dustin: I feel bad for people who drafted you. You went home a few rounds too soon, but you drew Frank in an elimination. Them’s the breaks.