First off welcome to the Penguin Awards. This is Rookerville’s attempt to wrap up the year. The one guarantee about awards shows and end of the year lists is that, inevitably, no one can ever agree on them. Rather than attempting to assign a numerical rank to something so subjective in nature, our approach to quantifying what took place during the previous calendar year is more broad – our own preferences in each individual category, with no definitive #1. The subjects of our end of the year series are those that we are passionate about, but ultimately, the person who truly decides the “best of” 2013 is you, the reader. After all, perception is everything. Welcome to the 2013 Penguin Awards, our tribute to the things that grabbed our attention over the last twelve months.
Villain Of The Year
Ethan Couch (Andrew Rose)
In case that name isn’t ringing a bell, Ethan “Circumventor of the Justice System” Couch is the Texas teen who [justifiably] caused outrage earlier this month after receiving only probation for a drunken driving collision that killed four people and seriously wounded two others. This is not intended to be a takedown of his legal team or their psychologist – they were [regrettably] doing their jobs and exponentially increased the ceiling of their career arcs with their [deplorable] “affluenza” defense. Instead, this is a statement about the nature of the justice system, one so broken that it was unable to effectively hand down a reasonable punishment to someone who was clearly guilty of several significant crimes that would have landed a less privileged person in jail. I haven’t heard much about the legal proceedings themselves, but I imagine they were similar in legitimacy to what Tron Carter encountered in the “Law & Order” sketch on Chappelle’s Show.
Of course, this is really about Ethan and his equally awful parents. We know for a fact that he was driving while exceptionally drunk (.24 BAC!) and on Valium, had stolen beer from a store earlier in the night, was recklessly speeding (30 MPH over the limit), and killed four people as a result of his impaired driving. These statements are not up for debate, and are enough to make him a villain by themselves. But his complete lack of remorse throughout the entire process and his family’s apparent belief that they can buy their way out of anything – perhaps they are correct – are what makes this story so infuriating. It reinforces the notion that if one is wealthy and has upper-class connections (being white probably helps, too), the consequences of one’s actions come from a different set of rules than the rest of us. No doubt at some point you have heard someone make an offhanded comment about a spoiled child (or pet) and use the phrase, “He gets away with murder” – in this instance, a teen was so spoiled that he did, in fact, get away with murder.
People Who Don’t Vaccinate Their Children (Andrew Rose)
You’re all goddamn idiots.
Lance Armstrong (Pat Wong)
For years, the Anti-Doping Agencies accused Lance Armstrong of cheating. He maintained his innocence over the years and was able to fight off the allegations… until 2013. Many people, including myself, believed in him. Cycling has Olympic standard drug testing and Armstrong never officially failed a test. Accordingly, we wanted to cling on to anything that suggested Armstrong’s accomplishments were legitimate. His story was just amazing. He was a cancer survivor who defied the odds by willing his own survival and then dominated the sport of cycling. He was a symbol of hope and inspiring. We all wanted to believe the story was real. Perhaps, it is just human nature to want to believe in something great and pure amidst all the chaos in the world. In the end, it was simply too good to be true that a clean athlete could dominate a sport full of cheaters. The walls finally caved in around Armstrong. A majority of his teammates finally came forward with the truth and the technology of the Anti-Doping Agencies was finally advanced enough to detect the methods used by Armstrong in the past that were able to cheat the system. Against insurmountable evidence, Armstrong finally admitted the accusations are true. In the end, he has made a fortune off of his career and I do not know if he even cares that his reputation is completely tarnished now that he cannot cash in on it. Moreover, he pressured teammates into cheating and treated other people very harshly. He was perceived as a true hero but turned out to be a real villain. Unfortunately, his story reminds us to be skeptical of the world. It is important to trust… but verify.
Ted Cruz (Russ Stevens)
I, like most sensible Americans HATE how our government works. Why? Because most of our politicians are morally vacant, bible-thumping lunatics, who care more about their legacies than doing the right thing for people, or the government for that matter. Senator Ted Cruz might be the biggest government example of everything I hate. He, like the Tea Party, has a specific agenda, and will take every opportunity to make that known. This guy questioned the nomination of Chuch Hagel for Sec. Of Defense, by saying he might be in league with our foreign enemies. He said this without a shred of evidence. He just said it. These days, fear mongering is at such an all time high that you can just say something, and if the news covers it, it’s true. Ted Cruz, and the Tea Partiers know this, so they use it.
George Zimmerman (Matt Cargile)
This list just wouldn’t be complete without him. I’m not sure much needs to be said about his transgressions but I think it’s obvious this man got away with murder, literally (you don’t get to say that literally all that often). We all know the case, we all formulated our opinions (which if it isn’t that this man shouldn’t be free, you’re wrong; not legally because Florida has some backwards laws, but morally we should all know where this man belongs). But let’s say it was just a mistake, maybe one slip up in a generally good man’s life. Well have you heard what he’s done since. George Zimmerman returned home to his very loyal wife after his trial, and months later was divorced, and not long after he pulled a gun on his then estranged wife and her father. Oh and to make sure 2013 wasn’t just big, but was huge, he’s also been arrested for aggravated assault to his new girlfriend. I have no questions about this man being villain of the year, the only question I have is how does this guy find one absurdly loyal wife, and then after her find a new girlfriend, when I can’t even find a date.
Justine Sacco (Ted McLoof)
In a year when political divides were particularly heated, when we couldn’t stop arguing who was a moocher and who was productive, when the Affordable Care Act polarized the whole country, when internet comment posts hit a famously nasty pitch—in a year like that, we needed to be united by a common enemy. And with only weeks left before the year is out, there she came.
What was kind of amazing about Justine Sacco is that, with the exception of a few outliers who rolled their eyes at how she was being vindicated, she incited near universal vitriol in reaction to a tweet that was at worst racist and at best stupid. We all seemed to be on the same side. We were all in agreement that casually tweeting something that simultaneously dismisses AIDS, black people, and all of South Africa, is objectively not cool (I mean, Nelson Mandela just died). The best thing about Sacco-gate is that, weirdly, race didn’t enter into it—not into the firestorm that ensued. It was really just all about the internet. About how someone as obscure as this person couldn’t have gotten her opinion publicly known ten years ago. And the people who reacted to her couldn’t have either. And if she’d gotten the internet on that plane, she could have stopped it. And so on and so forth. The internet has turned into a vile place, comment-section-wise, but for once that bitterness managed to unite instead of divide. Maybe she’s actually a pretty good PR rep after all.