On Santa

I need to talk about Santa Claus because I fucking hate people. Santa is like Batman. He is an idea, not just a person. This ho doesn’t get what Santa and Jesus are supposed to represent. But it’s been a few days and I’ve cooled down about this issue. I just don’t care. I grew up in house where we put a black angel on the tree. I mean, fuck it. Fuckity-fuck it. Shit is dumb anyway. Kids actin’ all fake and shit. Kids at Christmas when they meet Santa remind me of co-workers whenever the CEO comes into town to ‘cut the fat.’

 

I’m done with all of this hope nonsense. Too many people are pushing this happiness agenda. Too many people are trying to put aside their differences and think about ‘their fellow man.’ As if they really give a shit. December is really just a month where kids pretend to be good and think only of themselves and their parents slack off at work. It’s time we bring back an old favorite to be the premier holiday icon for all walks of life. Let’s get race and humanity out of the picture altogether. Let’s give the world something they can’t identify with… a common threat with unfathomable power.

 

Krampus.

 

That’s right, Krampus

.

 

“Hey kids! It’s Krampus!”

 

What will bring the world together more than good ole-fashioned fear mongering? Forget worrying about getting gifts. Make your kids fear for their limbs! (I think ‘fearing for life’ is a little too extreme.) Maybe every time they’re bad, that’s a limb they owe Krampus! If they’re very bad, maybe they have to go work with him and Mr. Scrooge in a rusty workhouse until they act good! You can scare them with tales of how Krampus will make them chew rusty nails and dance on glass. Maybe the kids could watch videos of how much happier their parents are with some other “good” children. Parents can giggle with glee as other kids open their bad kid’s present! Real fun and fucked up like Oldboy or something!

 

And kids that aren’t white? Ha! Krampus is just coming for them. Like, that where he just has all the fun. Because Christmas is for white people anyway, right? The most we really get is Black Pete anyway, and he’s chillin’ in Europe (figures)…so we should really be happy if anything with a strong work ethic creeps into our windows on the holidays.

 

Maybe instead of Christmas bonuses, we do layoffs on the 24th of December! Employees can anonymously vote off people they don’t want to work with! Call it Secret Krampus!

 

I dunno. It’s an idea. If FOX News wants to be Christmas weird holiday dickheads, that’s an ideal I can get behind.

 

By the way, for all you kids reading at home, Saint Nicolas is just a dead Turkish dude, but this person is just arguing that maybe a mythologized Santa Claus is real and worth discussing as part of some weird racist political agenda, so that’s why I’m campaigning for a new main icon. Jesus Christ is also a dead man we don’t understand.  I get how this can be sort of painful for all children, but just because it makes you feel uncomfortable, and I’m an abrasive myopic dick, doesn’t mean anything has to change.

 

Merry Christmas. Be good. Beware. Krampus sees you when you sleep.

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