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Posted by on Jul 18, 2013 in More Featured, Pop Culture, Russ Stevens | 0 comments

#tbt: Four Loko

Loko

It is better to have loved and lost, than never love at all.  Four Loko was purely the definition of a “Demon in a Bottle,” and while I no doubt miss it almost every weekend, for my heart and my inability to recover from hangovers, it is probably for the best.

I still remember the first time I had Four Loko.  It was the Fall of 2009 and I was at a friends apartment in Williamsburg.  We were all playing beer pong, as 23-25 year olds are often want to do, and one of my friends said “Dude have you ever tried Four Loko?”  I hadn’t, but I didn’t want to either.  For me, Sparks was the standard bearer in the land of “get drunk quick.”  Hell, I once had a 2 hour nosebleed during a springfest, which can largely be attributed to the 8 cans of Sparks I drank the night prior.  Could Four Loko replicate that level of danger? Doubtful.  Anyway, they sold the drink to me as all of the energy of a few cups of coffee, with all of the alcohol of a jungle juice, but none of the drunk slow down.  At that point, I had to put my loyalties aside and try it.  It changed my life.  It enabled me to drunker than was necessary, faster than ever thanks to it’s boatload of caffeine and 8% abv. Besides how drunk it got me, it came in like 7 flavors!  I know that was purely a youth marketing ploy, but I was in my mid twenties, and trying to prove I could still hang.

Lets flash-forward a few months.  Four Loko has now become my de-facto pregaming tool of choice.  Going to a concert? Chug a Loko.  Going to an expensive bar with that friend who has no idea that NO ONE can afford to ball yet? Chug a Loko.  Need to be drunk in 20 mins? Chug a Loko.  Need to sleep on your friends roof, for no other reason than you’ve been chugging Four Loko all night? Chug another Loko! It’s your 26th B-day party and you plan on day-drinking at Brooklyn Bowl? Chug a Loko IN THE SHOWER! Four Loko was my equivalent of a children’s blankie.  Or whatever that credit card was that had the slogan “Never leave home without it.” It was my everything.  It was pathetic, but  in the moment, it was perfect.

Of course, all good things must come to an end.  Eventually the lamestream media caught up to the young-adult (I use the term “adult” loosely) craze and started reported on all the related injuries on college campuses, and FDA pressure began to mount on Phusion Products, makers of Four Loko to remove the caffeine and other “fun stuff.”  Towards the end of 2010, Four Loko was forced to reformulate the drink, removing the caffeine, taurine, guarana, and other fun stuff from the drink.  I guess the idea of that much energy and that much booze, finally forced their hands, and the potential lawsuits would be crippling.  I was sad, but I was convinced to take the spirit of the Loko Demon into my own hands.  Along with Matt (editor of this site. yea he’s not above it either), we bought as many Original Recipe Loko’s as possible.  We had a stockpile well into the low-to mid double digits.  Considering the cans are 24oz, I think that’s kinda impressive.  We figured, if we couldn’t have Loko the way we wanted, we’d throw one last Four Loko fueled New Years Eve party.  It was awesome.  It felt like the good old days of early 2010 when I felt like I was gonna live forever.  Mind you, it was December 31st, 2010.

Almost two years passed, and I was no longer drinking Four Loko.  Considering how high in calories the drinks still were without the caffeine, there was no decent incentive (yes I could put a 5hr energy into it, but that’s cheating) to drinking it. Also, in that almost two years, I grew up, got serious about my life, and got a girlfriend, so being drunker than the whole world no longer had it’s appeal.  Until Hurricane Sandy.  Lucky enough, I was able to get my hands of six Original Recipe Loko’s, so the Hurricane, in which I knew I would be off of work, along with many was the perfect opportunity to check back in with an old friend.  I was happy to see that old Loko still worked exactly the same, but my hangovers had changed.  We couldn’t and shouldn’t be friends anymore.  I equate it to that moment where you come back home from college and realize that everyone who stayed home stayed, while you changed almost wholesale in those four years.  Hell, you even have really cool facial hair now!  I just wasn’t the same person anymore who loved and needed it.

Maybe down the road, I’ll check in on new Four Loko and see if I can get down with a caffeine-free version.  But then again, maybe I shouldn’t.  I’m almost 30.  I get acid reflux eating bread, and I like my sleep.  I’ll miss you Four Loko.  For 15 months, we really had something special.

p.s. Anyone who thought Joose was better, is a certified dummy.

About Russ Stevens

Russ Stevens is an editor and writer at Rookerville and a guidance counselor at Nyack HS. He mostly writes about either loving or hating things. In his spare time, he performs Improv comedy with his troupe Priest and The Beekeeper and is a co-producer of their monthly variety show Pig Pile. He loves all the New York sports teams that are historically bad, and he hates lateness more than anything in the world.

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