Breaking Breakdown: Seven Jacket Snakes, None In Trousers

Snakes_on_a_Plane

We here at Rookerville are astute observers of the news. But while most periodicals, radio shows, and TV programs focus on the gloom and doom of the national and local headlines, we tend to get more of a kick out of the overlooked oddities found buried several pages deep. Enter our new series, “Breaking Breakdown”, a closer look at the everyday silliness of not-so-breaking news that makes us shake our heads.

This article comes to us from NBC’s Dallas-Fort Worth affiliate.

A Tyler snake expert pleaded guilty in federal court

Great opening. I already know this is going to be good. It sounds like the beginning line from a supervillain’s origin story.

to smuggling seven Peruvian snakes into the United States by concealing them underneath his jacket.



Okay, I don’t even know where to start on that bombshell. Isn’t seven serpents coming out of a guy’s chest a sign of the apocalypse or something? No? Either way, we hear about smugglers getting caught at the border all the time; we do not hear about said smugglers hiding reptiles on their person. He really didn’t have a better place for them to go other than his jacket? No wonder he got caught – was it because he was running around wildly with his hands in the air screaming about the snakes crawling around his torso? Because that’s how it would have ended for me. Where did they find this guy, anyway?

William Lamar, 63, was caught with the snakes [...] at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport. 



That’s kind of weird; Dallas isn’t a border city. And why did he decide to drive to an airport after getting them into the country?

Unless…

It couldn’t be…

He had purchased the snakes at a market in Lima, Peru, and flew with them



SNAKES ON A PLANE! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MONKEY-FIGHTING SNAKES ON THIS MONDAY-TO-FRIDAY PLANE!

in his jacket



Dude, just put the monkey-fighters in your carry-on luggage or something! Recline your seat back. Order a chardonnay. Do they really have to live in your clothes for an entire international flight? Wearing a slithering snake-skin undershirt seems a bit overkill if you managed to get them on board in the first place.



to Miami and then to DFW

He got the snakes onto two different flights. HE GOT THE SNAKES ONTO TWO DIFFERENT FLIGHTS??? I guess no one thought to ask the strange man traveling alone what the moving, amorphous bulges in his jacket were. Or to, you know, remove his jacket at all. He was in Peru, Miami, and Texas – was it not a red flag when he didn’t take off a bulky overcoat for the entirety of that trip? My suitcase gets searched because my deodorant is mistaken for an explosive, and this guy walks through security and customs more than once with a poisonous farm in his pockets. Thank you, TSA.

a Transportation Security Administration officer found them while Lamar was trying to board a commuter flight to Tyler.



I guess third time’s the charm. But really, he was asking for it at this point. How often are you going to press your luck, Mr. Lamar? You couldn’t have rented a car and just driven the two hours home at this point?

Lamar stated in an Eastern District of Texas courtroom that he knew he was violating the law by transporting the snakes in his jacket without proper authorization.



Probably the right choice to admit you were wrong there. I can’t imagine this would have gone over well:

“No, your honor, I did not realize that bringing fanged reptiles purchased in a foreign market into the country was illegal. That’s why I hid them all in my coat for several hours.”

His biography [...] states that Lamar also conducts research on reptiles and amphibians



And here we are back at the supervillain narrative again. There’s no way this guy isn’t a mad scientist. There is a teenage mutant ninja cobra eating pizza in a lab somewhere in Texas as we speak.

Lamar was not available for comment



But he did emit a soft hissing sound.

Andrew Rose

About Andrew Rose

Andrew Rose is a writer and editor for Rookerville. He also manages a travel blog for his friends and family. His book, “Seizure Salad”, is a work of fiction - not in that it is a tale of fantasy, but in that it does not actually exist.

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