I had a recent run in with an ex-girlfriend. Fortunately it wasn’t my ex-girlfriend. It was one of my best friend’s ex. After the usual hello’s and how are you’s she quickly jumped to some less canned questions about my friend, that had the details of someone who must stay in touch with him. She referenced his wedding, his wife, and an unanswered email she had sent. But she admitted she hadn’t talked to or seen my friend in many years. How exactly did she stay on top of his life. How do you think, Facebook. This is our modern plight. In our amazing advancements of technology we’ve made all information available in an instance, historical and current, always available.
For my friend this is not just any ex. She was the one that broke him. See I once had this standing theory that all men are either born an asshole or eventually are turned into one by a girl breaking their heart. Ominous, I know. Leaves us in a world of nothing but assholes. I’ve since changed my “emo” stance to have a bit less gloom and doom. I do still think at some point the wide eyed and naive guy that truly believes in some form of highly romantic finishes comes out a bit altered at some point from a broken heart. Additionally I can’t be certain but I feel like some of the world’s best novels, music, and art in general probably stem from the mending hearts from these unrequited loves. It’s a wonderful coping tool that at one point probably helped to put your old flame behind us. My buddy who is now happily married to a great girl, who by my accounts is a much better match, and really is beyond comparison to his previous girlfriends in terms of compatibility and life long happiness, admittedly isn’t completely free of the grip of relationship pasts. This isn’t to be confused with not being over someone. No not at all. But the world has changed. I speak from experience that, while I maybe completely over some of my exes, it doesn’t mean I’m unaffected. This is the modern problem that persists. Imagine for a moment you combined the classic tale of A Christmas Carol and the classic movie Groundhog’s Day. Bill Murray oddly enough starred in a version of the former, and the latter and would’ve been infinitely more insane had he not only had to live through the same day over and over, but if that day happened to be the day he was visited by Christmas Past. The whole point of A Christmas Carol was to see his follies and to learn and move on. This isn’t to say all past relationships are follies, I definitely don’t adhere to that thought process, but it is to say it’s tough reliving your past all the time. Because however much one might be “over” someone, it doesn’t really matter. We’re not built to have to face our previous selves on a daily basis. This is bad on many levels. Stephen Fry through anecdotal discussion in the BBC special of his and Hugh Laurie’s reunion comes to a rather profound finding. He states that the issue of growing old for him, is that there’s proof of him being younger right in his face. That his current and altered state are merely reminders of his pending mortality. This is an interesting mind-fuck that previously only the famous might’ve found themselves in. But now with technology and social media its a state of being we all are in. Prior to this current “era” we were able to gradually have the changes of age and maturity ease its way into our psyche, but now at any whim we can see just how weathered the years have made us.
This brings me back to the issue of relationships. The mind and heart can mend, and no matter what over time you will move on. At a young age I realized this must be true; if we can go on living past certain individuals deaths, then a break up should be far easier. And for the most part I’ve moved on from all my previous lives with lover’s past, and wish them nothing but the best, as Adele would say. However, the mind is not meant to deal with the daily torment of seeing these people just pop up with smiles and laughters of which you loved them for. Our lives play out much less like singular moments now, and much more like good and bad acid trips and the subsequent relapses from said trips. You knowingly signed up for the first trip, but the relapses come without warning and without invite. I hypothesized to my friend on the long car ride we discussed this as we admitted our shared torture with ghosts of girlfriend’s past that maybe we should delete people digitally much as they are “deleted” from our social lives. This answer seems simple enough, but as I’ve signed on to Facebook a hundred times since, I just can’t do it. These people were people I loved, and deep down a piece of me always will love them. Moreover that same piece gets some joy in seeing them live happy and fulfilling lives, even if the side effects might be a heavy heart for the day or a lump in the throat, cause a piece of your past is now “in a relationship” or *GULP* “engaged”. I’m not sure what the solution is, maybe Facebook and other social media should create an “ex” designation, that purely lets you know they’re alive and well without too much fanfare. Cause no matter how “over” a girl I am, admittedly I once loved that smile for some reason and when I did it hit me just as inexplicably as my favorite music, books, or movies might’ve. difference being that I can pick those books back up and listen to those songs again but with those relationships I can only look and not touch, like this current and ever growing museum of my life.
About Matt Cargile
Matt Cargile is the Editor in Chief of rookerville.com. He also works in finance, but refuses to read any news printed on pink paper. He is a child at heart with adult means. His childhood dream was to either become a magician or the leader of the next great empire and somehow both these things make complete sense. He's contradictory in nature, but is always consistent.
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May 15, 2013
Imagine, if you will, a darkened room. The warm glow of a Power Macintosh 6500 illuminates a bowl of saltine crackers and a warm glass of milk. A man sits before his computer and takes a sip of that delicious milk; it eases his mind. This man has recently been involved in a mutually agreed upon romantic separation. He looks at his previous flame’s social networking page. Perhaps she is missing him as much as he is missing her. Alas, her status has changed from “in a relationship” to “single.” The man nibbles his saltine cracker. This was three years ago.
I am Richard Bursman, and I too can relate to sting of a broken heart. My advice to you, Matthew, is find yourself a warm glass of milk and relax. Time heals all wounds. You will find love again.
Additionally, Rookerville is the home to all of my favorite things. Thank you for writing such thought provoking articles.
All the best,
Richard Bursman
May 16, 2013
Richard,
Thanks for the compliments. Glad to always hear from some people liking the site. (feel free to refer to me as Cargile)
May 16, 2013
Dear Matthew,
It is a pleasure to be corresponding with such an esteemed Rooker.
Referring to you as Matthew is how I shall proceed.
I look forward to your next article.
Best,
Richard Bursman