A Social Leper: The Single Male

Its hard being a man.  Wait, wait.  Hear me out before you write me a slew of hate mail.  I know for the most part being a man in this country is actually an easy existence. I know, we get paid more which I have my reservations for that and a possible solution but we can get to that another time.  And don’t get me wrong I definitely don’t take it for granted that the world is built to make my life, as a male, easier.  The fact that there isn’t a male form of birth control isn’t solely based on scientific drawbacks, and the ability to use any open patch of land as a temporary bathroom is definitely great.  No, these things don’t go over my head.  But still, it’s really hard being a male, particularly when you’re single.  I think in order for that to make sense I have to maybe explain a working theory that me and my buddy have been working on.

The Social Caste System:

This theory stemmed from observations from many group outings. If you ask anyone involved they’ll deny, deny, deny. But I don’t care where you live or what you do these “rules” always exist. Go on a ski trip, or simply go to dinner with a large group of friends and you’ll see the natural hierarchy unveil itself. The top is easily defined.  Your married friends, you may or may not know it, look down on all of you and your fellow heathens from way atop of the castle.  They cast their “royal” vision down in pity on the unmarried and therefore uncivilized serfs that is you and your “other” friends. I’m friends with a small percentage of married couples (which may or may not be by design). They may not be aware of it, but certain luxuries that you and I may be ecstatic to have, they most certainly take for granted.  Maybe cause for them they come as easy and expected as breathing. I’ll explain these “luxuries” in a minute but first lets finish establishing the hierarchy.  So under the king and queens of married people you have the royal court.  This court consists of 3 different types of couples.  First among them is the couple’s that have been dating for three plus years and are living together.   After that you have the three plus years couples that don’t live together, so you know they don’t really know each other, like the two higher class couples.  And lastly you have the one to three year couples.  And that’s the end of the royal court. There are two types of people that make up the second class citizens; new couples (under a year) and single girls.  Don’t get me wrong, these final groups still get to live in the comfortable quarters within the castle walls but they’re simply just playing house in the eyes of the others.  So who doesn’t get to be protected by the moat and doesn’t get invited to the royal dinners, who are these social lepers, these peasants of social circumstance; single men, that’s who.

I know what you’re thinking, if you’re anyone other than the peasant men.  You’re thinking this isn’t true.  You don’t rank your friends.  You don’t look down upon your friends in anyway.  Look its not your fault.  You don’t do it purposely.  Its just apart of the natural order of things.  I’ll explain, and this is where you’ll come to understand the “luxuries” I mentioned before.  Hypothetical situation number one:  I’m hanging out at a friends’ place.  Firstly if you’re hanging out at a friends’ place its most likely either a couples’ apartment, or someone who is one half of a couple. Luxury number one, people are more apt to coming to you.  This isn’t done consciously, it just makes sense.  At a couples’ place, two people out of the group are already there.  Even if it’s just someone who’s half of a couple there’s a good chance the other half might be over there too.  Moral of the story is as a single male, you will be the last place people will meet up.  Back to the scenario; I walk in and at the hangout there’s one couple (we’re hypothetically at the boyfriend’s place), two other girls who’s boyfriends didn’t make it, one girl that’s single, another guy friend who’s girlfriend didn’t make it, and a gay guy (by the way I didn’t rank them but single gay guys fall somewhere in between the single female and the single straight male).  So it’s New York, so inevitably seating is at a premium.  There’s 3 people on the three-seater futon, 2 people in the computer chairs, a person on a stool, and another person on an exercise ball.  I repeat this is very hypothetical.  If you kept track you realize there’s one less seat than people, or so I thought.  Now’s a good time to clue you in on a mantra I’ve learned to live by in my single phase.  When one goes away with friends, or goes over to a friend’s for a party, or dinner, in order to predict how one’s sitting, or sleeping situation might be, you only need to do one thing.  Find the worst possible scenario among them, and that’s your spot.  Again no one is maliciously doing this, it’s all just circumstantial, but honestly at times it circumstantially sucks balls. So with one less seat than people, I knew already I was getting the floor.  Honestly not a huge deal.  I hypothetically walked in and was immediately hypothetically handed a pillow for the floor (and I actually truly appreciate the pillow.  It’s a nice gesture at least to attempt to make my peasant dwelling somewhat comfortable).  This is all fine and well, hell I would’ve probably offered to take that seat anyways.  Just the way I am.  But something dawned on me later when I realized we were waiting for one more guy, who was engaged to be married (hypothetically).  Where was he going to sit?  Seemed like there was just no more room.  Well I received my answer not too long later when he arrived, and I swear it was a Christmas miracle, and somehow that three-seater futon turned into a four-seater.  Now one might think this is just circumstantial based on time of arrival, you’d be wrong.  Remember the fact that I, the only single male there, was proactively handed the pillow as I walked in.  Meaning in someone’s head this sitting blueprint had been pre-designed because it was well known beforehand that the final friend was showing up a bit later (hypothetically of course).

That’s just how it is.  I’ve seen this same scenario play out in different venues and you get the same results.  Go away on a trip; you’re getting the couch or worse, the floor.  Dinner at a friends’; you’re getting the stool.  This is just the reality of luxuries.  As a couple, you are more than likely getting a bed or getting a seat.  These of course are general luxuries.  If we had the time we could break them all out into very specific scenarios.  We don’t, but another general luxury can best be described using our own nation’s democratic system.  As a single male you carry the equivalent electoral college votes as Idaho.  I know what you’re thinking, one vote per person, seems pretty fair.  But think about the usual situation.  Most likely couples will vote the same, they’ll chat and convene to a single solution.  And among the couples a lot of the girls are probably friends with each other, so there’s a good chance they may vote similarly.  So maybe at most there are two large groups voting two ways on where you should imbibe yourself for the evening.  Essentially you’re Idaho in a country with just Idaho, New York, and California. There’s no third party vote, there’s no green, or independent party, that’s has a real chance. So that’s it.  That’s the social caste system.  I know I sound peeved, but I’m not.  I’m well aware it’s not a malicious or consciously done thing.  And the one difference than say our country’s actual system, these people want to help move you up in the caste system.  Honestly, most friends are great and if anything the more couples there are, the more “charitable” help they want to give to get you within the castle’s quarters.  I guess for me, I just won’t forget my roots.  I won’t forget my fellow peasants when I rise in the ranks. I’ll definitely take the guaranteed bed, but maybe I’ll vote in their favor, or convince people to hang at their place.

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