My mom does everything in a hurry. Writing e-mails is no exception. She is the queen of disjointed electronic correspondence. Her favorite is dropping the ‘r’ in ‘your’. Normally, these things drive me bonkers, but when my mom does them, they’re reassuring. The way that grammatical mishaps, misspellings, improper tense, and bad word choice look in e-mails from my mother conjures thoughts of simpler times where mom and dad could fix any problem and smite any evil.
They bring back memories of years filled with non-ironic Halloween costumes, asking my parents for money and always getting it, cherry pie on the stovetop the way the leaves smell in Doylestown….I swear- opening e-mails that say: “how was you day?”, “did you talk to you boss about getting a bonus for all you help with the big client?” just brings a smile to my face. I can’t put my finger on what it does to me that makes me so elated, but I’m glad its there. Sometimes these harmless typos can even take the sting out of a good parental e-reprimand.
What my mom has failed to realize is something very important. I am an insufferable wise-ass. Therefore, if she tries to reprimand me with an e-mail that looks like it was written by an eighteen year-old girl that dates guys that wear white, fitted hats backwards; my inattentiveness will be matched only by my defiance. Let me illustrate below with an e-mail exchange that took place after I placed an ill-advised prank call to my parent’s house after midnight.
EXHIBIT A:
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FROM: Shirley Anne Signorino
TO: Scott M. Signorino
DATE: 11/6/2009; 11:21 AM
SUBJECT: NOT FUNNY
scott we need to talk. that wasn’t a funny joke to play on me had a long day at the office then went to work til midnite at the restaurant didn’t want to get a phone call at 1:00 in the am!!!!!!!! dad and I were worried that it was an emergency. what if u really did get ur girlfriendpregnant??????? u are not responsible enough to be a parent you have hard enough time paying ur credit card bills you need to come to the house and sit down with dad and i to discuss all those monies you wasted on all of you parking tickets if your father will ever come out of the basement should never have bought him the blu ray player getting sick of his attitude and yours only so much i can do. we wont be around forever and you will have to take care of youself. your crazy mother.
- Mom
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FROM: Scott M Signorino
TO: Shirley Anne Signorino
DATE: 11/6/2009; 11:49 AM
SUBJECT: RE: NOT FUNNY
Mom,
Look, I know that wasn’t a funny joke at all. I’ll tell you what- if I really do get my girlfriend pregnant on accident, I won’t call you after you get done work. We will come by for dinner and make up a funny surprise like “MOM! DAD! I got accepted into Columbia’s Law School! I leave for New York in two weeks! SYKE! MY GIRLFRIEND’S PREGNANT! LOL!”
Regarding my irresponsibility, I just want you to know that I have a plan. We’re keeping the baby. We’re quitting both of our jobs and moving in with you and Dad. You know how much my girlfriend likes you! It will be great! You love babies too! We really don’t want to change our lives after the baby is born either, so the second it pops out, we’re going to the bar and you get to watch it! Don’t worry about making up a spot for us in the house, we can move into the basement. All of Dad’s things can go into your room and the room you always use to watch “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I’m not as irresponsible as you may think, Mom. I’ve got a plan for our brand new family and our child born out of wedlock.
Love,
Scottie.
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Basically what I’ve done here is akin to poking an improperly socialized Rottweiler with a stick. My mom was trying to elicit some sort of apology out of me and yes, I did feel bad for calling the house at midnight to play a joke about my girlfriend being pregnant and needing money. However, she also made it extremely difficult to figure out what she was trying to tell me or what she was trying to obtain through her sixteen year old girl speak. For every “A” there has to be a “B”. This is the e-mail I dread. This is my mom, the disciplinarian. Gone are the e-mails from my mom that bring back memories of fourth grade, Halloween, Christmas presents.
EXHIBIT B:
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FROM: Shirley Anne Signorino
TO: Scott M. Signorino
DATE: 11/6/2009; 12:32 PM
SUBJECT: RE: RE: NOT FUNNY
I don’t know why you have to be so difficult. All I asked is that you stop playing jokes so late at night when I’ve had an extremely busy day. Your father and I do a lot for you and all that we ask is that you try to play ball every once in awhile. I don’t understand why you can’t grasp that a joke about you and your girlfriend having a baby when you are clearly unable to fully take care of yourself, in ANY capacity is hilarious. I assure you, its not. What IS hilarious is the fact that your overdraft fees from TD Bank come to our house. You really need to get your shit together and stop wasting your time playing jokes on me and your father that are really not funny at all. One day we won’t be here.
-Mom.
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EXHIBIT C:
FROM: Scott M Signorino
TO: Shirley Anne Signorino
DATE: 11/6/2009 1:04 PM
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: NOT FUNNY
Mom,
Point taken. I’m sorry. I won’t pull hijinx like those ever again!
Love,
Scottie
P.S. – it’s really cold in the office.
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EXHIBIT D:
FROM: Shirley Anne Signorino
TO: Scott M Signorino
DATE: 11/6/2009 2:36 PM
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: NOT FUNNY
LMAO, see i CAN PLAY JOKES TOO no biggie. You are cold? Where is you black knit hat we got you for your birthday? Are you coming to the house we are having pizza very busy, see you than J love mom.
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About Scott Signorino
Scott Signorino is a thirty-something professional living in Center City Philadelphia. An avid runner and video gamer, Scott will be happy to chew the fat with you over the latest Nike shoe or the best character class to use in Diablo 3. Elsewhere on the web, Scott occasionally reviews live music for Jump Magazine (www.jumpphilly.com) and has been published in Doom Zine – an independent publication based out of Boston, Massachusetts.