NFL offseason: The Minority Report (AFC North)

NFL offseason: The Minority Report (AFC North)

afc_north_wallpaper_by_cfmurray41-d5eobicThere’s a conundrum when one looks back on the hit movie Minority Report.  See the precogs, while having the advantage of omniscience had the disadvantage of sharing that knowledge prior to its occurrence.  This creates the impossible contradiction of existence where the precogs are both accurate and wrong all the time because the acts they see and read never get to happen.  Such is the life of anyone who attempts to predict anything in football. But that won’t prevent me from trying.  Consider this my NFL off season Minority Report.  I’ll do my best to predict/advise; even impossibly hypothesize what each NFL team should be trying do or will do this season, starting with the AFC North.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

It’s always hard to repeat. Last team to do it was the 03-04 Patriots under the helm of Tom Brady, and prior to that was the Broncos with John Elway.  What am I trying to say?  I’m trying to say even though Joe Flacco had a great playoff you have to ask yourself is he anywhere near the level  of a Tom Brady and John Elway?  The answer’s no. Sure a Trent Dilfer can win one Superbowl; and yes Joe Flacco is way better than Trent (no offense Trent, still one of my favorites on ESPN) but they don’t win two.  That takes a top 8 QB of all time if I had to guess. So I could try to predict/advise the Ravens but I don’t think it’ll do any good. That’s going to piss off a lot of Ravens fans I’m sure, so here’s some advice, replace Ray Lewis. Honestly, I dare you to try. What they needed was a WWE moment where Ray Lewis somehow passes the proverbial torch, or in his case the very real turrets like dance and very surreal; motivate a guy to injure as many Patriots players as he can; style of speech on to someone.  But that didn’t happen so here’s the only advice I can think of for you guys if you want to repeat. Take Suggs out for a night on the town.  Give him the greatest night of his life, so great it gets him “wrongfully” accused of murder and later get him proven “innocent” in a court of law and then help him find god.  There you go that’s my advice.  Ray Lewis 2.0.

Cincinnati Bengals

 The Bengals are in sports purgatory, which in all honesty means they’re about 3 years away from having any real shot at contending. But this doesn’t mean they can’t keep getting better. I give them credit first off for staying pat with Marvin Lewis. The hardest thing will be staying pat at coaching for the next couple of years. Marvin Lewis is a good coach, and if you need proof of that look no further than just 5 years prior when the Bengals were the antithesis of the model NFL team.  He has methodically transformed this team into a respectable hard nosed team, that’s a few drafts, and few life lessons for Andy Dalton short of really getting in the mix.  My advice to them would be to get younger on defense.  Terrence Newman even as your nickel back isn’t sustainable, especially when he’s playing behind “make it rain” pacman, who is also returning kicks.  Generally a recipe for injuries.  If they’re smart they’ll go defense in the first 3 rounds of the draft, and then in the fourth take a chance on a running back.  The triple hebrew lawyer, BJGE is a sturdy back that can be their reliable number 1 while Marvin Lewis grooms the future.  A running back with some speed and good hands could be the perfect counter to arguably the highest potential wide receiver in the league.  In terms of free agents they should take a glance at a Laron Landry; his hitting style can sometimes make up for slower DBs as wide receivers are a little weary going out there for the deep ball.

 Laron Landry Rant
Speaking of Landry can we take a moment and realize that had it not been for Peyton and Adrian Peterson this guy would have to be considered come back player of the year. In my on going comparison of real life to comic book world Laron Landry is my first pick for Bane of the NFL.  At first glance just brute force, but when one considers that when we look back at the new age of recovery in sports and getting players back from full muscle tears in the same season Laron Landry to me will be the tipping point everyone should point to.  He went and got his stem cells (which the minute they aren’t frowned upon here in the states I will be ordering my personal batch of stem cells, cause you never when that pick up game goes terribly wrong and you don’t want to have to look like a fool at your local pub for 6 months.  One week people think a cane is just an injury.  6 months and they may start to think you either have a house obsession, and in which case they don’t want to talk to you, or you injured yourself being an idiot, cause any age above 21 and you lose the ability to get sympathy or praise and instead you’re considered stuck in arrested development for taking something that’s not your career so seriously.  And yes I’m speaking from experience) before it was cool and put out an open challenge of only wanting a single season contract to prove he was 100% healthy and if anything better than before.  Oh and it may have been hidden by the Guy Fieri hosted circus show that was the Jets but Laron Landry had his best statistical year, and played in all 16 games for only the 3rd time in his career. So yes, if not the Bengals, someone will sign this man.
I know what you’re thinking, why waste so much time talking about Laron Landry in a team overview column.  I’ll tell you why…..
 
Cleveland Browns
 
I don’t want to write this.  Why don’t I want to write about the Browns, when they were actually a hard working team that pulled a few surprising victories?  Why? I’ll tell you why, cause even though the Jacksonville Jaguars are in much sadder state and I respect the Browns the number of stars in the universe times more than the Jaguars, and even though the Jaguars made me actually have to caveat my statement proclaiming Mark Sanchez as the worst starting QB in the NFL, with “..other than Blaine Gabbert” (And the irony isn’t lost on me that the Jets just signed the guy that Blaine Gabbert took over for.  Jets really making a run for troll of the year).  The Jags still have a better outlook.  Because they are most likely moving to LA.  And it would take a miracle for the Browns to escape Cleveland.
You know what Cleveland has now that Lebron is gone (and trust me Cleveland I hated him just as much for leaving cause I was rooting for you guys); the rock and roll hall of fame.  I’ve been to Cleveland and guess what, I can’t tell you where that is.  Its the only thing they have there, and there’s a million signs, but they lead no where, which is kind of fitting. After being there I devised a reality TV show idea called “Conquering Cleveland”; which involved dropping 7 douche bags off in Cleveland and giving them 3 months to become the kings of that town.  Remember that old commercial about “the 4 guys” for Captain Morgans.  That commercial I have no doubt is a biopic for Cleveland. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MhEzeOZUnM)  With that being said I have great advice that no team in the NFL will ever take, but one day I hope a team becomes wise enough to do.  Sit Trent Richardson.  Sit him for the whole year.  The Browns just got some brains in the front office, and within a couple years could become a dark horse team in the NFL.  Now wouldn’t you like to have Trent Richardson with 297  less carries put on his body.  I really think more teams should think about letting sure talent wait to have better talent around them.  David Carr easily couldve been Matt Schaub had he not had to deal with PTSD of being every down linemen’s opportunity to fluff the career sack stat.  But seriously, that’s my advice.  keep him fresh and let the brains you hired this offseason give him something to work with.
Pittsburgh Steelers
 
Now this one is going to be short and to the point.  This is going to sound crazy but hear me out.  Trade Ben Rothlisberger. I promise this has nothing to do with the fact that for those 2 weeks he was injured I was reminded I like everything else about that team except for him.  Seriously, Mike Tomlin, coolest mother fucker on the sideline today; Troy Polamalu, what’s not to like;  that hard nosed running attack; Heath Miller.  Take a moment and really think about how much we all probably would like the Steelers without Big Ben;  I was rooting out loud for Charlie Batch. (oh and one more rant on the Browns, really going to score only 2.1 pts for every turnover you had against the Steelers.  REALLY?!?) http://www.epicgifs.net/images/show/6SD3VJN7.  But in all honesty, there are QB hungry teams out there that will trade all their best talent for Big Ben.  I think Big Ben is great, but at the same time possibly over rated for winning two superbowls he really had nothing to do with.  Imagine the hypothetical.  Trade Big Ben to the Chiefs, before they get the Alex smith deal, and you can probably get Jamal Charles, Matt Cassel and Brandon Flowers and if you throw Rashard Mendenhall in you might get 2 middle draft picks. You then let Mike Tomlin and that defense, keep them competitive while Matt Cassel agrees to just not fuck up.  And then the next draft you trade your extra picks and Matt Cassel for the first pick in the draft and you take Mr. Football himself Johnny Manziel.  Steeler fans that’s my advice. America will like your team again, Big Ben will get new college girls, who if he told them who he was probably would just go home with him, but instead he likes to be overly aggressive; to hit on.  And Pittsburgh gets to become Americas other Football team to rival Dallas.
Next week I’ll be doing the NFC North.  Stay tuned as I unveil my man crush for a starting QB with a name that rhymes with lodgers.
Matt Cargile

About Matt Cargile

Matt Cargile is the Editor in Chief of rookerville.com. He also works in finance, but refuses to read any news printed on pink paper. He is a child at heart with adult means. His childhood dream was to either become a magician or the leader of the next great empire and somehow both these things make complete sense. He's contradictory in nature, but is always consistent.

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