This episode started off with music indicating it was gonna be a Jordan-centric episode, which for my fantasy purposes ain’t great. Thankfully it ended up being more about new school v. old school
Challenge #5: Piggy Back
I feel like challenges from the past are coming back because this one split the Free Agents into two teams of ten where the first member of a team had to jump onto a hanging rope, the second person using the first hanging person as a human bridge goes to the next rope, so on and so forth, until the person on that first rope has to then get to other side and so on and so forth…It was a play on leap frog. Johnny (Portland) and Camila as captains set the tone right away. From the outset it looked like Portland’s team (Zach, Roylee, Theresa, Jordan, Jonna, Jessica, Cara Maria, Devyn, Swift etc.) was in trouble. They had some talent, but their worst players were infinitely worse than their good ones. Camila’s team had Laurel, Bananas, and CT. Anyway, Portland’s team went first and had a pretty shitty showing with Jess, Devyn, Theresa, Jonna, Jordan, and Swift all failing big. Zach, Cara Maria, Portland, Leroy do work.
Right off the bat Camila’s team just started crushing it as expected. It helped obviously that they got to watch the first round, but like clockwork, Aneesa’s garbage-ass gives out and sends her down. Nany, CT, Camila, Bananas, and Jasmine all get DQd. Cohutta was tailor made to kill something like that challenge. Laurel killed it, Isaac did work too, and last, but not least, PRESTON gets across evening the game at 4, but he didn’t touch the last rope and the Portland team ended up taking it. Big surprise there.
The ugly duckling team as a result of the stacked team losing got the chance to be the big dawgs. Cara Maria’s choice of Bananas going in was inspired. Jordan obviously backs that move. The girls deliberation also seems pretty smart. The move to eliminate top competition is exactly what they need to be thinking. The time for friendships must END! Theresa’s logic of sending in Laurel makes the most sense. In the end, they decided to vote in Bananas for the dudes and LAUREL for the ladies! In the draw, Jasmine drew her worst fucking nightmare, and she started crying. Isaac drew the kill card, and now it’s on.
Elimination #5: Balls In
Welcome back Balls In! It’s been a while. If you’ve watched the previous episodes, you already know how this elimination worked. Jasmine V. Laurel went exactly how you might have expected. Jasmine actually got one ball in, but I think it was gifted. Laurel’s win was the easiest win I think I’ve ever seen. Bananas V. Isaac started off all Bananas, but once Isaac realized he can muscle him, it got a bit more competitive, but just like Laurel, Bananas won handily.
Men’s Rankings
1. C.T
Russ: Do people even realize this guy is around this season? I guess if you remove Diem, no one has a reason to want to send him in. If I were everyone else, he’d have my vote every week until he’s gone. He’s not someone you want to worry about in the finals.
2.Leroy
Russ: Still playin’ honest. People need to stop sleeping on this guy.
3. Zach
Russ: He’s starting to show some signs of life, and I think this is the first time he’s just playing the game to have fun.
4. Jordan
Russ: Jordan must have had the biggest boner in the world to send in Bananas. I can’t wait to see him and Bananas on a Rivals season.
5. Cohutta
Russ: Quietly being good at a lot.
6. Bananas
Russ: Loudly being not-so-great at a lot. Bananas as a Challenge athlete is definitely past his prime. He’s the first guy to give out in anything strength-based. His days of being a top pick are numbered. Of course he calls it the hardest thing he’s ever done.
7. Preston
Russ: Dude, you are the M.I.P. of this season. If you are picked last next week, I’ll lose my ever-loving mind.
8. Johnny (Portland)
Russ: You didn’t even do anything on the episode where you were captain of a team that won! I did like how you voted in Bananas tho
9. Swift
Russ: Looks like Tarzan…Swings like Jane. Bitch.
Women’s Rankings
1. Laurel
Russ: She acts like she’s not playing a game and someone punched her grandmother in the face. These people treat her like she’s an actual deity that requires the selling of indulgences.
2. Camila
Russ: I thought she picked the perfect team. Boy was I wrong.
3. Cara Maria
Russ: Cara is stepping up big in every way. Her baller move to send in Bananas is the kind of stuff “Jack Sparrow Cara” would have never done a few seasons back
4. Theresa
Russ: YOU STRAIGHT UP HO. You got all the pitchforks ready to send in Laurel and then pussed out? Woooooow…Fug you.
5. Nany
Russ: If there was some way I could blame you falling on Aneesa, best be assured I would.
6. Jessica
Russ: Take your big teeth home already.
7. Aneesa
Russ: Aneesa, you are so bad at everything, and you have the lonnnnnnngest excuses for it. Maybe now you’ll stop acting like you belong? Prolly not…
8. Devyn
Russ: Devyn was right to call out Theresa and her midwestern ass, and that’s gonna come back to her. Good call rating on her Devyn. WELCOME TO THE GAME.
9. Jonna
Russ: I’m too lazy to cut and paste Jonna to the bottom slot for the women competitors, but trust me when I say she’s probably the worst. Yes, I know that means Devyn is better, but you have to think; Jonna’s been doing this for like 5 years now and is still terrible. This is Dev’s second shot. I like her upside more. You know what? I WILL cut and paste!
GOODBYE LOSERS:
1. Jasmine
Russ: Thank christ she’s gone. That’s all I gotta say.
2. Isaac
Russ: “I’m puting Bananas in Pajamas” Awesome comment. But don’t use sand as your excuse. Later homie.
So to recap the recap, sending in the vets, always seems like a good idea, but when you don’t have control of their competition it ain’t. Lesson learned. Next week is trivia, so I expect Preston to kill it.
About Russ Stevens
Russ Stevens is an editor and writer at Rookerville and a guidance counselor at Nyack HS. He mostly writes about either loving or hating things. In his spare time, he performs Improv comedy with his troupe Priest and The Beekeeper and is a co-producer of their monthly variety show Pig Pile. He loves all the New York sports teams that are historically bad, and he hates lateness more than anything in the world.