Here at Rookerville, we are astute observers of the news. But while most periodicals, radio shows, and TV programs focus on the gloom and doom of the national and local headlines, we get more of a kick out of the overlooked oddities found buried several pages deep. Enter our series, “Breaking Breakdown”, a closer look at the everyday silliness of the not-so-breaking news stories that make us shake our heads.
Today’s article comes to us from the New York Daily News (original passages in bold).
Several people have been hurt in brawls that erupted across the country as bargain hunters flooded stores beginning on the eve of Black Friday.
Hunters? Flooding? Brawls? I’m listening!
[V]ideos posted online showed several chaotic scenes that included wild arrests and fights between shoppers.
I feel like there’s an executive at TLC listening to a pitch for a new reality series called “Wild Arrests and Shopper Fights” right this moment. At the very least, someone at TruTV. What sort of chaotic scenes are we talking about here?
At a mall in Northeast Philadelphia on Friday, several women were caught on video fighting before one appeared to pull out a stun gun and attempt to use it on the other
Can’t fault her for being prepared. I mean, those are the same people that threw snowballs at Santa. Who knows what they’ll do on a less benevolent holiday…
In Chicago, a police officer shot an alleged shoplifter who was trying to flee in a car that was dragging another officer.
Typically Chicago, bringing a gun to a taser fight.
Then in Carlsbad, Calif. a man was stabbed in his stomach during a Black Friday event outside a mall early Friday morning
He never even made it inside of the store! At least let him get through the doors before you assault him! GIVE THE MAN A CHANCE!
The violence included one man who was stabbed after a spat over a parking space at a Virginia Walmart
In the assailant’s defense, the parking space was 60% off.
Most shops on Thanksgiving [in New York City] appeared […] somewhat calmer than the frenzy associated with Black Friday’s door-busting deals. But bedlam broke out at Macy’s soon after the iconic retailer opened its doors at 8 p.m. — its first Thanksgiving opening in its 155-year history.
I’m sure that’s EXACTLY what they were hoping for after a century and a half of laying low and being reasonable.
“I went straight to the linens,” said Jill McCormack, 30, a tourist from Ireland
That sounds like bedlam! Get it? Linens? BED-lam? No?
“Everything is practically half off. I’ve already coat-checked my first round of purchases, and I’m gearing up for round two. On to the shoes!”
I actually used to employ a similar strategy when I would dump my Halloween bag at home midway through the night. Except that was candy. And it was free. On an unrelated note, I feel like “On to the shoes” is surpassed only by “We have to talk” in the rankings of “four consecutive words you don’t want to hear your significant other say”.
Some New Yorkers used the shopping opportunity to allow relatives to prepare the holiday meal in peace […] [including] Abeeselom Anddar, a chef from Harlem who went to Kmart while his wife and mother ran the kitchen.
I’m sorry; who decided it would be better if they removed the chef from the kitchen?
With Thanksgiving Day falling late this year, and providing the shortest holiday shopping season since 2002, businesses sought an even earlier start to the make-or-break money-making season.
Let’s analyze that statement for a moment. Since – apparently – everyone is hitting the stores on the actual holidays now, that means the woefully, upsettingly, unfortunately brief shopping season this year lasts 28 days, or the same length as Black History Month. All of it. Conversely, last year’s shopping spree lasted 34 days, which is nearly ten percent OF THE ENTIRE YEAR.
“Black Friday is now Gray Friday,” said Craig Johnson, president of Customer Growth Partners, a retail consultancy.
So does that make this Black Friday History Month? Probably not, since that analogy makes no sense at all. The color of sales entries changes from red to black; how does it end up gray? Is Thanksgiving now White Thursday? Craig Johnson, you owe us an explanation.
Annie Siu, 30, came all the way from Hong Kong to do a little Thanksgiving shopping. “Everyone knows that these are the two days when you can really get the most for your money[.]”
Round trip from Hong Kong to New York: $1600
Flight time for two days of shopping: 31 hours (nonstop)
Saving $70 on memory foam pillows: Priceless
Siu […] struggled to carry four massive Macy’s bags down Sixth Ave. When asked how she planned on getting everything onto the plane for the trip home, Siu just smiled and said she’ll make it fit.
She is also now on TSA’s watch list for suspicions of smuggling.
And then there was the quartet of South Korean students who exited a Midtown Kmart holding large, bulging bags.
Wait a second. Ireland, Hong Kong, South Korea – what are all these FOREIGNERS doing in OUR country taking advantage of a holiday celebrating how we took advantage of someone else in their county? #MURICA.
Chanul Kim and his friends said they decided to spend the holiday handing out blankets to homeless people. “We’re not from here, so we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving,” Kim said. “There are so many people that don’t have a place to go or something to keep them warm.”
Well, now, this is awkward.
“We just wanted to help.”
Maybe this is what they actually mean when they talk about getting into “the Christmas spirit”?
Meanwhile […], police cuffed a Jolly Old Saint Nick
Nope; this is definitely what they mean. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade ends with Santa in the back of a sleigh; the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Sale ends with Santa in the back of a cop car.
About Andrew Rose
Andrew Rose is a writer and editor for Rookerville. He also manages a travel blog for his friends and family. His book, “Seizure Salad”, is a work of fiction - not in that it is a tale of fantasy, but in that it does not actually exist.