Nintendo Is On Molly

Nintendo Is On Molly

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It’s the only explanation I can come up with for what the hell is going on. Before I get to the most April Fool’s joke like product, that turned out to be real, let’s roll the clock back a bit.  Maybe Nintendo’s been putting out a cry for help much longer than we want to admit. Think about it.  Why on earth were the Gamecube discs so small.  At the time I thought it was a long term plan to eventually create a portable device that could play mini-DVDs. Well I was dead wrong.  And in the next generation they completely rescinded their idea and went back to the regular sized discs.  Leaving fans with Gamecube games the difficult task of inserting a mini-DVD into a regular sized DVD slot.  Thanks Nintendo.  Oh and let’s revisit the Wii for a second.  The highest selling system for a couple of months.  You couldn’t find one when it first came out. It seemed at the time, like pure brilliance.  It was the only system ever to launch with a sale price that equated to net profits with each and every sale.  Well just like any good high, that only lasted so long.  It wasn’t long before your Nintendo Wii (and you know you bought one) had gone months without being turned on and instead became a great bookend to hold your Xbox or Playstation games.  What the hell were we thinking.  They essentially threw a motion controller on a Gamecube and said here, pay more for this.

Well if you hang with any pot head friends you know he might say something genius once every 8 months only to be followed up with something completely moronic.  I present to you Wii U.  Which when you think about it sounds exactly what someone on drugs would say as an idea towards what should come after the Wii.  “Nah man. Gotta make it about what’s going on inside your soul.  What you feel in your bones.  That Wii, has to become part of you man.  Like…. Wii…. U.”  The fuck are you talking about Nintendo.  I’ll give you credit for the screen on the controller cause as a kid I wish I could just continue my games while my parents put on something boring.  But seriously, you added a little resolution to the Gamecube and called it a day.  A new peripheral does not equal a new generation.  Which finally brings us to what happened yesterday.  I’m still waiting for the Nintendo execs to make a statement to everyone saying “we got you.”  Nintendo recently released its latest handheld system to the masses with 3D capabilities without using glasses.  I have to say it looked quite impressive.  And if you didn’t know, the handheld division of Nintendo is their most successful division.  So regardless of how absurd the systems they released seemed, I always had faith in their mobile gaming.  That is until the Nintendo 2DS was announced yesterday.  (Insert confused Jackie Chan picture here).  What is going on.  I get removing the 3D capability, as some people complained it hurt their vision, and you can sell it as a cheaper version.  But why the hell does it not close now.  Why does it look like one of those old 2 bit alphabet machines we used to play with as kids.  Who told you this was a good idea.  You’ve taken your mobile flagship system and made it not very mobile.  And I don’t know anyone that ever played the DS with the screens open flat.  Well  guess what, now you have to. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, Nintendo I think it’s time we put you out to pasture.  Your gaming properties deserve newer and better situations on other consoles.  I’d love to see an Xbox version of Star Fox or a Playstation version of Mario.  Can you please just let go. You’re way too high to be doing this anymore.  Plus your drug experimenting partner in crime, Sega (have you seen the leaning tower of graphics you can create with a 32x, game genie, and sonic and knuckles. Yea they were on molly too), gave it all up years ago.

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised.  The company’s mascot is a plumber that eats mushrooms and thinks he becomes a giant.  Or eats a flower and can suddenly shoot fire as He runs around jumping on imaginary creatures, jumping in toilets and punching brick walls because they give him coins.  Yea actually I think Nintendo’s been high this whole fucking time.  I’m calling you a cab Nintendo.  Get home safe.

Matt Cargile

About Matt Cargile

Matt Cargile is the Editor in Chief of He also works in finance, but refuses to read any news printed on pink paper. He is a child at heart with adult means. His childhood dream was to either become a magician or the leader of the next great empire and somehow both these things make complete sense. He's contradictory in nature, but is always consistent.


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