Duchess Catherine and the Half-Blood Prince

THE LION KING

Like, ZOMG, guys! Kate and William had their baby! Well, mostly Kate, William just watched. They named him Beetlejuice Casablanca, a tribute to the couple’s favorite movies. His first word was “remontant”, spoken after downing a gallon of royal breast milk while simultaneously signing autographs for his adoring fans. He then moonwalked to Pluto in honor of Michael Jackson, who said from Heaven, “That man is tight at dancing!”

Now that would have been news.

Unfortunately, that first paragraph is just part-fiction, part-Mackemore lyric. When I happened to be near a television earlier Monday morning, this was the entirety of what was known of He Who Has Yet To Be Named:

1. IT’S A BOY!
2. EIGHT POUNDS, SIX OUNCES!
3. VAGINAL BIRTH!

And when I turned on CNN several hours later, this was the complete content of the lead story:

1. It’s a boy.
2. 8 pounds, 6 ounces.
3. Vaginal birth.

And after Anderson Cooper was done and Piers Morgan came on…well, you get the picture. All things considered, I’m happy for the two of them; I’m sure it’s an exceptionally exciting time in any young couple’s life to have their firstborn child, even more so after what appears to have been a smooth delivery producing a healthy baby boy. There’s really nothing to mock about that. Seriously, congratulations.

The public reaction, on the other hand? That’s another story. I’m sure many of us have been inundated with snarky remarks from the peanut gallery (my first paragraph included) about how this isn’t news, or that they liked babies before they were cool. But the fact of the matter remains that this wouldn’t be the only story on the 24/7 news cycle if there wasn’t money to be made or ratings to be inflated. And these conditions would not exist if there wasn’t a large portion of the public hellbent on consuming any minute detail or awkward interview with a token English person that the news outlets can produce. I’ll be honest – the ‘CNN Special Report’, vaguely about the birth of the new royal, is on in the background as I’m finishing this article. Mostly because it gives me something to write about. Mostly.

It’s fairly easy to see how a story such as this blows up. For starters, we’re genetically hardwired to think human babies are adorable; you know, so we don’t neglect them or eat them or something. And as a population, we’re collectively star-crazy. Every time a celebrity does anything remotely interesting (and oftentimes, not), TMZ or US Weekly reports it like a Supreme Court decision has just been rendered. Again, these conditions wouldn’t exist if there was no money to be made from these puff pieces. In this case, supply is a product of demand, and as a whole, we demand pictures of Miley Cyrus leaving a supermarket. We’re addicted to fame and the potential for it, and who else embodies those two qualities better than the offspring of a star? What was that line in the Declaration of Independence? “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, except for celebrities and babies”, right? Or something like that.

The biggest different between The Child Currently Known As Prince and Blue Ivy Carter or North West is that the latter two could possibly live reasonably normal, out-of-the-spotlight lives (the fact that their birth fathers produced Watch The Throne notwithstanding). Kate and William’s young boy has no such chance. He will be on the throne, and we will be watching. Barring any unexpected or unfortunate turn of events, he will grow up to be the King of England, instantly recognizable worldwide, destined to rub shoulders with foreign dignitaries and global leaders in all walks of life. What remains to be seen, however, is how he and his parents will develop because of that. His father allegedly hates the press, first for having a hand in his mother’s death and more recently for publishing topless photos of his wife. His mother is a Muggle, a commoner from a virtually anonymous background. His parents have apparently “broken tradition” in many regards to the royal lifestyle. He could very well grow up to be a very progressive head of state, a champion of equality with the ability to affect social change without being bogged down by reelection campaigns or approval ratings.

But until then, expect plenty of pooping, crying, eating, and sleeping. And a bevy of reporters on hand to cover it.

Andrew Rose

About Andrew Rose

Andrew Rose is a writer and editor for Rookerville. He also manages a travel blog for his friends and family. His book, “Seizure Salad”, is a work of fiction - not in that it is a tale of fantasy, but in that it does not actually exist.

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