Eleven Genres of Facebook Posts So Annoying that They Make You Not Only Want to Block a Person’s Statuses but Full-on Unfriend Them on General Principle
Look, I get it: it’s Facebook. There are buttons called “share” and “like” and “comment.” The whole point is that it’s a forum for ideas and personal information, a place to let other people know about a cool link you’ve found, what’s going on in your life, where you’re living these days. I don’t mind hearing about what you ate for breakfast—banal stuff is just banal, not irritating. Wanna post a picture of your pet? Go for it—it’s the internet; ninety eight percent of the reason people are on it is to look at either pictures of cats. Or porn. (Hopefully not together). I don’t even mind when you rant your opinion about a current event—really, I don’t. At least it means you’re engaged and thinking about the news.
But there’s information you share, and there’s information you keep to yourself, and I promise you, the line between the two isn’t really that blurry. These aren’t personal pet peeves. Everyone else is on board with me. I promise.
In no particular order:
1. Brags disguised as requests for advice
“I can’t decide whether or not I should take my fiancé’s name once we get married. Help!” Um, can you really not decide, or are you just trying to remind everyone that you’re getting married? Got enough bait for that compliment fishing trip you’re going on? Let’s face it: you can pretty easily call someone up and ask their opinion. You just want to hear the word “congratulations” as many times as possible.
2. Middle-aged People who Just Discovered Facebook
Remember in college, when there was that one non-traditional student in your class, mid-forties, always raised his/her hand, but instead of answering the professor’s question, just shared an irrelevant anecdote from his/her life? That person graduated and then got a Facebook account. And because he/she didn’t grow up with technology, he/she has no grasp whatsoever of what necessitates an actual update. “The grass is getting really long!” “Making soup!” “Found my favorite red shirt while I was cleaning today!” Charmingly guileless at first, until you scroll down your newsfeed and realize that they’ve updated seventy-six times. In the past ten minutes.
3. Self-f#@king-censorship
“If they show one more rerun of The Office I’m gonna f#@ing flip out! I don’t give a sh!t about Jim and Pam’s baby!” Yeah, and guess what? No one gives a shit (oh no I said it!) about your Facebook page either, dude. I assure you, the FCC is not regulating your bad language. They only do that to things people care about. And don’t say it’s because your nieces and nephews are friends with you on Facebook and you’re protecting them. They can figure out what the exclamation point means.
4. Telling People not to Post about Things…in a Facebook Post
During the election, there was only one kind of status more prevalent than people’s political opinions: people saying they were sick of hearing other people’s political opinions. “If I see one more status about the debates I’ll scream!” people wrote, venting how irritating it was to listen to people vent about how irritated they were. It’s vaguely ridiculous listening to people on a soapbox, shouting “shut up” through a megaphone at people on a slightly shorter soapbox. It’s even more ridiculous that they don’t see the irony in that. (And before any wiseasses say anything, I’m aware of the irony of telling people to stop telling people to stop telling people things, so don’t bother pointing it out).
5. Babies and Weddings
Hey, post all the pictures of your kid that you want—it’s cute (I’m personally creeped out by babies, but from what I hear, other people think they’re cute). Pictures of your wedding? Bring ‘em on! Because it’s not your wedding and your baby we don’t give a shit about—it’s your engagement and your pregnancy. There are exactly four statuses related to babies and weddings that anyone thinks are important: I Got Engaged, I Got Married; I’m Pregnant, I Had a Baby. Everything else can go. No one cares how stressful it is to pick a caterer.
6. The Gym
It’s important to stay healthy. And if you’re particularly out of shape or going through a massively strict exercise routine to better yourself, I get the urge/need to share that news. But to the people who’ve been going to the gym their whole lives and still—still—get home and immediately announce to the entire Facebook community how many laps you swam/pounds you benched/miles you ran? I think there’s one particular muscle you’re a little too concerned with, dude, and it’s not going to get bigger at the gym.
7. Friends in Bands
If I live in the same town as you, and you’re having a show, by all means: invite me. Who knows? I might even show up. I’ll even bring friends! But if you or I have moved to a different city, is it really, really necessary to send me constant updates about the open mic night you’re doing in Omaha, Nebraska? Do I have to get five notifications a day reminding me that there are still tickets available, and that the show starts at eight?
8. That Couple who Breaks Up Every Friday…and Gets Back Together Every Saturday
It’s awesome reading people’s statuses when they’re having mental breakdowns. It’s awesome x twelve to read people’s statuses when they’re going through break-ups: it’s the equivalent of being a fly on the wall in the room with a couple when they say truly vicious things to each other. But you know what’s not awesome? When you’re friends with that couple whose favorite thing is to get drunk and fight on the weekends, and then to get revenge on each other by ending their Facebook relationship, and then sobering up the next day and getting back together. Your newsfeed gets clotted up with not one notification but six (!): “Phil is now single.” “Katie is now single.” “Phil and Katie ended their relationship.” “Phil and Katie are now in a relationship.” “Phil is now in a relationship with Katie.” “Katie is now…” Yeah yeah, we get it. Now go break up for real.
9. High Horse
After the George Zimmerman trial, a lot of people voiced their opinions about the verdict. Some were outraged, some were satisfied, and sure, some statuses were just self-indulgent. But you know what was way, way more self-indulgent? The people who kept posting stuff like, “This kind of thing happens all the time in America—why are you all paying so much attention to this one little case?” We know, dude. Thanks for the update. My eyes are now open. “There are so many more important causes to take up.” Right, like yours…typing status updates.
10. That Friend who Wouldn’t even Have Heard about a Band/TV Show/Book/Movie if You Didn’t Tell Them about It First and is Now Apparently a Huge Fan
“Can’t wait for season five of Breaking Bad!” REALLY? YOU’D STILL BE REFERRING TO BRYAN CRANSTON AS MALCOLM’S DAD IF IT WASN’T FOR ME.
11. Pour Grammer/Splling
Hey, it’s Facebook, not the New York Times. It’s like a notch above writing a text. I don’t expect everyone to line-edit everything they write—I even sometimes expect “u” in place of “you.” Whatever. It’s fine. And as I said above, I don’t mind if you share your opinions on current events—I really, honestly don’t. It’s healthy to have a dialogue about what’s happening in the world. But I swear to God, if you combine those two: “Your all crazy if your not scared of the NSA. They can literally jump down your throat with all the people that they spy on. Reality check wake up ppl!!!” Hm. Thanks, boss, but I think I’ll take my reality checks from someone who knows how to use an apostrophe. (Bonus points for anyone who can name all eight errors in that—no joke—actual status).
Oh, and to quote Ross Geller: Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means “you are”. Y-O-U-R means “your”!
About Ted McLoof
Ted McLoof is a writer at Rookerville and teaches fiction at the University of Arizona. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in the Minnesota Review, Bellevue Literary Review, Gertrude, Monkeybicycle, Sonora Review, Hobart, DIAGRAM, The Associative Press, and elsewhere.He's recently been nominated for the Pushcart Prize and a Best of the Net Award. He is very cool and very handsome and he'd like to buy you a drink.